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[ This is familiar, easy territory for him, them sniping back and forth like a pair of children both unwilling to let go of a favorite toy. People telling him to fuck off? Yeah, that's familiar too, and he doesn't bat a single eyelash as he keeps barreling forward. ]
You made it my business.
[ Or rather Sooyoung did, but right now they're one and the same, Eustace not bothering to differentiate when the root problem remains the same. Sure, he could fuck off right now and keep his nose out of things, but how much longer will it be before he stumbles across Han Sooyoung again and she complains about Dokja again, real worry in her eyes despite how much she proclaims she doesn't care?
And for all that his actions seem to imply the opposite, he cares too, the faint memory of their time on the beach still lingering in his heart. ]
You asked if I would help, earlier. Would you have actually let me? Or would you have pushed me away as well?
[ Kept him at arms-length while treating him as some sort of mindless pack mule willing to do his bidding. ]
You made it my business.
[ Or rather Sooyoung did, but right now they're one and the same, Eustace not bothering to differentiate when the root problem remains the same. Sure, he could fuck off right now and keep his nose out of things, but how much longer will it be before he stumbles across Han Sooyoung again and she complains about Dokja again, real worry in her eyes despite how much she proclaims she doesn't care?
And for all that his actions seem to imply the opposite, he cares too, the faint memory of their time on the beach still lingering in his heart. ]
You asked if I would help, earlier. Would you have actually let me? Or would you have pushed me away as well?
[ Kept him at arms-length while treating him as some sort of mindless pack mule willing to do his bidding. ]
[ And still Eustace advances. Dokja hadn't prepared himself for this outcome, fully expecting their Communion to end so he could sulk in a dark place somewhere, but it keeps going?
Cornered like this, he feels his panic grow. His first instinct is to run, his second is to lash out, but he doesn't act upon either of those urges. Had the wall between them always been at such a height? He thinks if he cranes his neck, maybe even goes on the tip of his toes, he could look past the barrier to see Eustace working away at the surface on his side. And what has Dokja been doing but halfheartedly reinforcing his own side? Not out of any desire to, but because it's just what he does. What he's always done.
Eustace must feel it too, the way Dokja shrinks in on himself like a frightened, wounded animal. But past that is a small glimmer of something he dares not name as he struggles with his answer. ]
It's different.
[ Though he would never promise that it would stay different. Eventually the same fate Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk had had to face could have come barreling into Eustace, too. The thought causes dread to pull at his heart, the anxiety rising to catastrophic levels. ]
I... [ His voice falters and shakes. ] Because of me, they... And if you, too...
[ It finally tips over, the attack seizing him by the throat and tearing at his chest as the overwhelming emotions rip through their Communion. There's grief, hard and poorly dealt with, along with a deeply entrenched agony that's left scars on his very existence. But it's the guilt that outweighs everything else, crushing and suffocating in its intensity, an amount that no regular human being could ever hope to stand against. ]
Cornered like this, he feels his panic grow. His first instinct is to run, his second is to lash out, but he doesn't act upon either of those urges. Had the wall between them always been at such a height? He thinks if he cranes his neck, maybe even goes on the tip of his toes, he could look past the barrier to see Eustace working away at the surface on his side. And what has Dokja been doing but halfheartedly reinforcing his own side? Not out of any desire to, but because it's just what he does. What he's always done.
Eustace must feel it too, the way Dokja shrinks in on himself like a frightened, wounded animal. But past that is a small glimmer of something he dares not name as he struggles with his answer. ]
It's different.
[ Though he would never promise that it would stay different. Eventually the same fate Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk had had to face could have come barreling into Eustace, too. The thought causes dread to pull at his heart, the anxiety rising to catastrophic levels. ]
I... [ His voice falters and shakes. ] Because of me, they... And if you, too...
[ It finally tips over, the attack seizing him by the throat and tearing at his chest as the overwhelming emotions rip through their Communion. There's grief, hard and poorly dealt with, along with a deeply entrenched agony that's left scars on his very existence. But it's the guilt that outweighs everything else, crushing and suffocating in its intensity, an amount that no regular human being could ever hope to stand against. ]
[ That crashing wave of guilt catches him off-guard, his whole body tensing as if to withstand a physical attack and not simply an assault on his mind. He doesn't even realize his nails have curled so tightly into the flesh of his palms until he tastes the scent of blood in the air, faint and metallic.
This is none of his business, this violent soul-crushing guilt that surrounds him on all sides like a typhoon. He should have left ages ago, turned around and done what he does best - walk away without a second glance back. But he's already come this far, sunk his teeth deep in enough that letting go would be a monumental waste of time. Besides, what's he supposed to do? Leave Dokja there all alone, stranded in the middle of this raging ocean without a single life-preserver in sight?
They have their differences, sure, too many to count, and sometimes it seems like all they do is fight. But even despite that Dokja had stretched out his hand time and again without being asked, even though every logical reason in the world dictated he do the opposite. There's a deep debt between them that needs to be repaid, but beyond that is the burgeoning seed of respect, a like beginning to outweigh dislike that prompts him into trying to help, no matter how out of his element he is.
Even if that 'help' right now is aiming a knife directly at his heart and carving until every last drop of guilt and misery comes oozing out, like pus from an infected wound.
It's hard to hold his ground, the unfiltered agony feeding directly into his own worst insecurites and fears, but he grits his teeth all the same, channeling years of practice into keeping his emotions and tone stable. ]
If I....?
[ He can theorize all he wants, try and puzzle together the pieces he's painstakingly collected over the last half a year. But it won't mean anything if he doesn't hear it directly from Dokja. ]
This is none of his business, this violent soul-crushing guilt that surrounds him on all sides like a typhoon. He should have left ages ago, turned around and done what he does best - walk away without a second glance back. But he's already come this far, sunk his teeth deep in enough that letting go would be a monumental waste of time. Besides, what's he supposed to do? Leave Dokja there all alone, stranded in the middle of this raging ocean without a single life-preserver in sight?
They have their differences, sure, too many to count, and sometimes it seems like all they do is fight. But even despite that Dokja had stretched out his hand time and again without being asked, even though every logical reason in the world dictated he do the opposite. There's a deep debt between them that needs to be repaid, but beyond that is the burgeoning seed of respect, a like beginning to outweigh dislike that prompts him into trying to help, no matter how out of his element he is.
Even if that 'help' right now is aiming a knife directly at his heart and carving until every last drop of guilt and misery comes oozing out, like pus from an infected wound.
It's hard to hold his ground, the unfiltered agony feeding directly into his own worst insecurites and fears, but he grits his teeth all the same, channeling years of practice into keeping his emotions and tone stable. ]
If I....?
[ He can theorize all he wants, try and puzzle together the pieces he's painstakingly collected over the last half a year. But it won't mean anything if he doesn't hear it directly from Dokja. ]
[ How many threads will I have where they're just in the meridian housing room. Joonghyuk is still here, mooching, but instead of peeling any apple bunnies or doing anything useful, he's just watching Dokja.
They're the same aspect now, aren't they? Laughable in so many colors. It doesn't take some foreign, invasive connection for Dokja to sense Joonghyuk watching him with muddled emotions. His gaze stays affixed onto his back, following wherever Dokja travels, taking notes on every little shift and fidget. ]
They're the same aspect now, aren't they? Laughable in so many colors. It doesn't take some foreign, invasive connection for Dokja to sense Joonghyuk watching him with muddled emotions. His gaze stays affixed onto his back, following wherever Dokja travels, taking notes on every little shift and fidget. ]
[ Oh, he thought he could ignore it... After the mess he's had with everyone he seems to be coming in contact with these days, he really wants to avoid a third screw up.
But it's really, really difficult to go about his usual activities when he is being so blatantly stared at, a slow annoyance prickling against the connection their Aspect offers them, so Dokja finally turns around to face his offender. ]
What's on my back that's so interesting?
But it's really, really difficult to go about his usual activities when he is being so blatantly stared at, a slow annoyance prickling against the connection their Aspect offers them, so Dokja finally turns around to face his offender. ]
What's on my back that's so interesting?
[ He isn't even going to entertain that stupid question. There's nothing interesting about that small back of his. When faced, Joonghyuk doesn't wear the same scowl he usually does.
His expression is neutral, his sharp gaze softened... His tone, however, stayed leveled as it always does. ]
Would it have been better if I never showed up?
[ Not this room, but here in Kenos. If he didn't show up in Horos at all—if they never reunited. Would it put Dokja at ease? Would he be happier? Would he feel less guilt? Could he somehow find his place here, among these strangers? Could he find happiness in this strange land?
Joonghyuk wonders if his wish to return Dokja home is just a heavy and unwanted burden, troublesome and obstinate. No, he knows it is and he never cared. In earnest, he is content with it weighing on Dokja... Love never had to be beautiful, light, and warm. Love can be suffocating, relentless, and selfish. It can threaten to sink and drown.
But still. Joonghyuk isn't heartless. He learned how to be human again thanks to one man and so he considers Dokja's feelings with care. Months have passed and they haven't talked despite the promise, enough time for Joonghyuk to reflect and mull. ]
His expression is neutral, his sharp gaze softened... His tone, however, stayed leveled as it always does. ]
Would it have been better if I never showed up?
[ Not this room, but here in Kenos. If he didn't show up in Horos at all—if they never reunited. Would it put Dokja at ease? Would he be happier? Would he feel less guilt? Could he somehow find his place here, among these strangers? Could he find happiness in this strange land?
Joonghyuk wonders if his wish to return Dokja home is just a heavy and unwanted burden, troublesome and obstinate. No, he knows it is and he never cared. In earnest, he is content with it weighing on Dokja... Love never had to be beautiful, light, and warm. Love can be suffocating, relentless, and selfish. It can threaten to sink and drown.
But still. Joonghyuk isn't heartless. He learned how to be human again thanks to one man and so he considers Dokja's feelings with care. Months have passed and they haven't talked despite the promise, enough time for Joonghyuk to reflect and mull. ]
[ Had this conversation swept in at a less unfortunate moment, there might have been a different response than the one Dokja gives now. Instead of his usual defensiveness, there's a bone-deep weariness that regards the question with more sadness than anything else. He's been having too many arguments lately. The energy for another isn't there.
He takes the time to think about it... Really think about it, the time he'd spent on Horos and the way he had rapidly deteriorated. His frequent breakdowns, the way his mind would slip loose, and the unsettling burden he'd forced others to shoulder because of his countless mishaps. They've taken a pause ever since Joonghyuk and Sooyoung's arrival, that much is for certain, but does that make things better?
Wordlessly, he turns back around to resume his business of putting away the dry dishes, silence drawing on between them before he finally speaks. ]
You're not supposed to be here.
[ It's not a satisfying answer by a long shot, but when has Dokja ever doled those out so easily? ]
He takes the time to think about it... Really think about it, the time he'd spent on Horos and the way he had rapidly deteriorated. His frequent breakdowns, the way his mind would slip loose, and the unsettling burden he'd forced others to shoulder because of his countless mishaps. They've taken a pause ever since Joonghyuk and Sooyoung's arrival, that much is for certain, but does that make things better?
Wordlessly, he turns back around to resume his business of putting away the dry dishes, silence drawing on between them before he finally speaks. ]
You're not supposed to be here.
[ It's not a satisfying answer by a long shot, but when has Dokja ever doled those out so easily? ]
[ Odd. The response isn't surprising, but he didn't anticipate the weariness. Usually he would have to fight Dokja and coax him into saying something, anything, worth importance. It makes him suspicious... But he can surmise from his talk with Sooyoung.
Nevertheless, expected that answer and it gains his usual frown, not that Dokja can see his expression twisting to something familiar. Again obstinate and stubborn, unyielding and steadfast, Joonghyuk willfully rejects the implications that he should live life as Dokja prepared for him. He can't. He won't.
A long silence follows. Anyone would think the conversation is dropped, but Joonghyuk's dark gaze stays on the other man. He returns with an addendum. ]
Would you be happier?
[ It isn't about him, it's about Dokja. ]
Nevertheless, expected that answer and it gains his usual frown, not that Dokja can see his expression twisting to something familiar. Again obstinate and stubborn, unyielding and steadfast, Joonghyuk willfully rejects the implications that he should live life as Dokja prepared for him. He can't. He won't.
A long silence follows. Anyone would think the conversation is dropped, but Joonghyuk's dark gaze stays on the other man. He returns with an addendum. ]
Would you be happier?
[ It isn't about him, it's about Dokja. ]
[ Thinks about how he urged a teenage boy to kill him because he was so unhappy. ]
[ Anyway, the conflicted emotions that spring up from their shared connection are a dead giveaway to what Dokja actually feels. He's burdened by their arrival, guilt weighing down on his heart every time he has to see them, but there's no mistaking the hesitant warmth of... simply not being alone.
It's muted, nearly lost under the torrent of his other, darker emotions, but it's present. Shapeless and fragile, it flickers to life a little more than before as he dwells on the question.
... And Dokja flinches when he realizes Joonghyuk must sense it, too. ]
What's gotten into you all of a sudden?
It's muted, nearly lost under the torrent of his other, darker emotions, but it's present. Shapeless and fragile, it flickers to life a little more than before as he dwells on the question.
... And Dokja flinches when he realizes Joonghyuk must sense it, too. ]
What's gotten into you all of a sudden?
[ That guilt really is annoying and he understands why it sent Sooyoung his way. Their presence is taxing on him when it wasn't before... Because their relationships are not what they used to be. Those emotional scars may never be mended, even with time.
There's a calm from Joonghyuk's side, even if it's murky like dark waters. Rustling sounds as he takes a stand with footfalls following his steps. He stands behind Dokja, looming over with a watchful gaze. Curiosity needles as he wonders how Dokja survived Horos. Who did he have? There was those two prisoners, but now nowhere in sight. A blanket stifles niggling inquiries when he remembers he doesn't know.
He doesn't know anything because Dokja hasn't told him. ]
You belong by our side.
[ Without payment, without atonement. Is that the answer Dokja is looking for? Probably not, but it's the reminder Joonghyuk wants to give him. ]
There's a calm from Joonghyuk's side, even if it's murky like dark waters. Rustling sounds as he takes a stand with footfalls following his steps. He stands behind Dokja, looming over with a watchful gaze. Curiosity needles as he wonders how Dokja survived Horos. Who did he have? There was those two prisoners, but now nowhere in sight. A blanket stifles niggling inquiries when he remembers he doesn't know.
He doesn't know anything because Dokja hasn't told him. ]
You belong by our side.
[ Without payment, without atonement. Is that the answer Dokja is looking for? Probably not, but it's the reminder Joonghyuk wants to give him. ]
[ This is the sort of wound that can't close or heal. It's festered and rotted after thousands upon thousands of years, spreading across every surface of his body until it becomes all of him. Kim Dokja will not permit himself to recover. This self-inflicted punishment is the retaliation that he deserves because no one else will give it to him.
... And he doesn't know if he can survive more than that.
It feels like the air's been pressed out of his lungs as his eyes sting and his throat burns. This isn't the sort of confrontation he wants to face, but he's worn down, made weak, and he feels his makeshift conviction collapse from within. ]
If you get hurt because of me, then I'll really be nothing more than a monster.
[ His voice comes out hoarse, small, afraid. Defeated. Dokja had tried... oh, how he had tried to maintain his distance when he'd first arrived to that world called Horos, convincing himself that he wouldn't grow close to anyone in fear of causing the usual destruction he leaves in his wake at every turn, but what had happened? Eventually, one person, then another, then even more than that had wiggled their way into a heart that had finally learned to love, and it had been so easy to turn his gaze away and tell himself it wasn't anything to grow concerned with.
But now, faced with the truth and reality of the situation, faced with one of the very few people he has left in this new world, the understanding that he could lose it all a second time because of him becomes too real. ]
... And he doesn't know if he can survive more than that.
It feels like the air's been pressed out of his lungs as his eyes sting and his throat burns. This isn't the sort of confrontation he wants to face, but he's worn down, made weak, and he feels his makeshift conviction collapse from within. ]
If you get hurt because of me, then I'll really be nothing more than a monster.
[ His voice comes out hoarse, small, afraid. Defeated. Dokja had tried... oh, how he had tried to maintain his distance when he'd first arrived to that world called Horos, convincing himself that he wouldn't grow close to anyone in fear of causing the usual destruction he leaves in his wake at every turn, but what had happened? Eventually, one person, then another, then even more than that had wiggled their way into a heart that had finally learned to love, and it had been so easy to turn his gaze away and tell himself it wasn't anything to grow concerned with.
But now, faced with the truth and reality of the situation, faced with one of the very few people he has left in this new world, the understanding that he could lose it all a second time because of him becomes too real. ]
[ Dread plummets his heart to the pit of his stomach when he hears Joonghyuk's approach. Dokja tenses, shoulders a hard line as he refuses to turn around, fingers curling over the edge of the sink in a white-knuckled grip. This close, he can see Joonghyuk's shadow draped over him, but even still, he doesn't budge. Instead, his eyes bore into the the counter top under his hands.
How he wants to believe in those words. They tempt him in such a way that he can feel himself waver, if only just a bit, before he's reminded what being by their sides had cost them. In an instant, the reality comes crashing back down on him, and he finds himself shaking with the effort to maintain what little composure he has left.
He takes in a deep, shuddering breath, then exhales slowly. Again, he doesn't turn around. ]
Sometimes I wish you weren't such a stubborn bastard.
[ Annoying... Frustrating, even. Not untrue, but not entirely true either. After all, isn't this what had drawn him to Yoo Joonghyuk in the first place? ]
How he wants to believe in those words. They tempt him in such a way that he can feel himself waver, if only just a bit, before he's reminded what being by their sides had cost them. In an instant, the reality comes crashing back down on him, and he finds himself shaking with the effort to maintain what little composure he has left.
He takes in a deep, shuddering breath, then exhales slowly. Again, he doesn't turn around. ]
Sometimes I wish you weren't such a stubborn bastard.
[ Annoying... Frustrating, even. Not untrue, but not entirely true either. After all, isn't this what had drawn him to Yoo Joonghyuk in the first place? ]
You're the stubborn fool who needs to remember his place.
[ Which is by their side, as he already said. How many times will they need to keep repeating themselves? Joonghyuk feels that he has been writing on the wall that separates them, waiting with bated breath for the other man to read the messages he and their companions left for him.
A lonely existence.
Joonghyuk understood that well. He was once on a lonely pilgrimage through the apocalypse, but as he thinks about it now... Was he truly alone? Dokja was reading his story the whole time, wasn't he?
His lips press into a fine line as his emotions twist and turn in all sorts of directions. In the end, longing echoes more than once. His fingers twitch, tempted to reach out to him... But physical touch could never break down the invisible wall between them. ]
You said we would talk.
[ His tone of voice is the same, but the connection adds hints and undertones. There's a mix of frustration, anxiety, worry, sadness, and a very small amount that would betray him worst of all—he may be sulky. Why is his companion treating him and Sooyoung so poorly? What did they do to deserve this?
Through and through, Joonghyuk despises aspects and legacies whatever name they take on, but one can only control their emotions as well as they can. ]
[ Which is by their side, as he already said. How many times will they need to keep repeating themselves? Joonghyuk feels that he has been writing on the wall that separates them, waiting with bated breath for the other man to read the messages he and their companions left for him.
A lonely existence.
Joonghyuk understood that well. He was once on a lonely pilgrimage through the apocalypse, but as he thinks about it now... Was he truly alone? Dokja was reading his story the whole time, wasn't he?
His lips press into a fine line as his emotions twist and turn in all sorts of directions. In the end, longing echoes more than once. His fingers twitch, tempted to reach out to him... But physical touch could never break down the invisible wall between them. ]
You said we would talk.
[ His tone of voice is the same, but the connection adds hints and undertones. There's a mix of frustration, anxiety, worry, sadness, and a very small amount that would betray him worst of all—he may be sulky. Why is his companion treating him and Sooyoung so poorly? What did they do to deserve this?
Through and through, Joonghyuk despises aspects and legacies whatever name they take on, but one can only control their emotions as well as they can. ]
[ It's really unfortunate how they're wrapped up in the same Aspect, every emotion Joonghyuk feels scurrying across a connection Dokja never asked for and in turn, heightening whatever he's feeling on his end. He senses the longing and hates how his own reaches out to meet with the other, the betrayal at this loss of control following up soon after.
He's never been the greatest at managing his emotions, and then the Fourth Wall had put him out of practice completely by the nature of its existence.
Sighing quietly, he releases the hold he has on the sink and returns his attention to the pile of plates that still need putting away, the distraction welcome but not very effective while Joonghyuk continues to loom over him as emotions slip loose between them. In fact, their emotions in this current time are so similar that it just seems to feed off of each other, creating a weird loop that continuously spirals as the air hangs heavy over the pair. ]
What do you want to know?
[ He phrases the question like he's open to the conversation, tone inviting enough. But again, there's no hiding the way his anxiety shoots up as he realizes what's finally about to happen.
So much for avoiding it forever. ]
He's never been the greatest at managing his emotions, and then the Fourth Wall had put him out of practice completely by the nature of its existence.
Sighing quietly, he releases the hold he has on the sink and returns his attention to the pile of plates that still need putting away, the distraction welcome but not very effective while Joonghyuk continues to loom over him as emotions slip loose between them. In fact, their emotions in this current time are so similar that it just seems to feed off of each other, creating a weird loop that continuously spirals as the air hangs heavy over the pair. ]
What do you want to know?
[ He phrases the question like he's open to the conversation, tone inviting enough. But again, there's no hiding the way his anxiety shoots up as he realizes what's finally about to happen.
So much for avoiding it forever. ]
[ Going quiet, he considers and their connection gets that same pensive consideration. Eventually, he stops hovering behind him and steps to his side, guiding him to move over a bit to give him space to also take care of the dishes. They can do this domestic chore together in this hellhole that is an uprising faction war. ]
What you are thinking.
[ General, because what he has meant is that he wants Dokja to talk to him. It isn't their communication style—it never has been. They are people who speak through actions, through the taste of steel, with blood drawn and strewn onto the floor. How long will that sustain them? Is it enough for him now? It was enough for him before. They understood each other (maybe it was one-sided). They could read each other's next move (but how many steps could he have predicted). He thought Dokja understood him better than he understood himself. He still thinks that, as much as he dislikes the thought.
Every day, he wonders what's on Dokja's mind... Suspicious of what he may be scheming, if maybe his state of mind is depreciating, if he's stewing in self-loathing when he catches him by his lonesome. When Dokja keeps them at a distance, when he gently pushes them away, Joonghyuk wished he knew why. What could he do?
What is he supposed to do? ]
What you are thinking.
[ General, because what he has meant is that he wants Dokja to talk to him. It isn't their communication style—it never has been. They are people who speak through actions, through the taste of steel, with blood drawn and strewn onto the floor. How long will that sustain them? Is it enough for him now? It was enough for him before. They understood each other (maybe it was one-sided). They could read each other's next move (but how many steps could he have predicted). He thought Dokja understood him better than he understood himself. He still thinks that, as much as he dislikes the thought.
Every day, he wonders what's on Dokja's mind... Suspicious of what he may be scheming, if maybe his state of mind is depreciating, if he's stewing in self-loathing when he catches him by his lonesome. When Dokja keeps them at a distance, when he gently pushes them away, Joonghyuk wished he knew why. What could he do?
What is he supposed to do? ]
[ Surprise flickers between them. Perhaps Dokja had been expecting something more direct, maybe even a touch accusing with how long he's drawn out this "talk" they're supposed to have, but he's left at a bit of a loss here. There's so many ways he could respond considering the overwhelming excess of his thoughts, overthinking at all times, layers upon layers of concerns and worries resting upon even more concerns and worries, but...
Uneasiness stirs within him, the idea of anyone getting a glimpse of just how much of a mess the inside of his head is anxiously prickling at his skin. He certainly doesn't want to trouble Joonghyuk with any of it, so he defaults to a more casual answer in the hopes of deflecting while still offering something. ]
... Currently? Well, I guess I was thinking of what to do tonight. I've been staying out late these days, so I might call it in early for a change.
[ He chatters on as he works, but the tone of his voice and the easy way in which he speaks doesn't match the exhausted slope of his shoulders, the dark circles under his eyes, or the heavy, stilted air settled over him. ]
Uneasiness stirs within him, the idea of anyone getting a glimpse of just how much of a mess the inside of his head is anxiously prickling at his skin. He certainly doesn't want to trouble Joonghyuk with any of it, so he defaults to a more casual answer in the hopes of deflecting while still offering something. ]
... Currently? Well, I guess I was thinking of what to do tonight. I've been staying out late these days, so I might call it in early for a change.
[ He chatters on as he works, but the tone of his voice and the easy way in which he speaks doesn't match the exhausted slope of his shoulders, the dark circles under his eyes, or the heavy, stilted air settled over him. ]
[ i thought about making this a joke tag again just to see if you would finally kick me from your life but i will spare you this time
It's a short answer, and not that much of a suprising one, but it manages to slap him across the face all the same, prompting a disbelieving exhale that manages to rise above the torrential maelstrom of misery threatening to suck them both in. ]
Are you always this self-centered?
[ Don't actually answer that. ]
If anything happens it'll be because of my own actions, not because of you. [ As it always has been and always will be. ] I chose this path for myself. If I get hurt, if I die again, [ because he won't discount that possibility especially with the way he is now, unharmonized and powerless ] it'll be no one's fault but my own.
[ Not Dokja's, not whichever person on the opposing side threatening harm, not even Yima or Cyrus or whatever greater power had brought him here to this place. (Though he certainly isn't feeling particularly kind-hearted towards either of them at the moment.) For someone who's always been straining at the leash and allowed freedom only at the whims of someone else, to be told yet again that his fate might lie in someone else's hands, even tangentially, stings.
There's a curl of bitterness that wraps around him, turning his voice quiet and sharp. ]
Don't take that away from the people around you. Don't invalidate their choices by making it all about you.
It's a short answer, and not that much of a suprising one, but it manages to slap him across the face all the same, prompting a disbelieving exhale that manages to rise above the torrential maelstrom of misery threatening to suck them both in. ]
Are you always this self-centered?
[ Don't actually answer that. ]
If anything happens it'll be because of my own actions, not because of you. [ As it always has been and always will be. ] I chose this path for myself. If I get hurt, if I die again, [ because he won't discount that possibility especially with the way he is now, unharmonized and powerless ] it'll be no one's fault but my own.
[ Not Dokja's, not whichever person on the opposing side threatening harm, not even Yima or Cyrus or whatever greater power had brought him here to this place. (Though he certainly isn't feeling particularly kind-hearted towards either of them at the moment.) For someone who's always been straining at the leash and allowed freedom only at the whims of someone else, to be told yet again that his fate might lie in someone else's hands, even tangentially, stings.
There's a curl of bitterness that wraps around him, turning his voice quiet and sharp. ]
Don't take that away from the people around you. Don't invalidate their choices by making it all about you.
[ Dokja can think his mind is a complex labyrinth that shouldn't be ran, but Joonghyuk's was once a barren wasteland full of depression and homicidal instinct. It's calmed since then, regressed to how he used to be for the most part. Others helped him carry the weight, they helped lessen it.
He hopes for the same for the man beside him. ]
It would be good if you got more sleep. You need more of it.
[ Odd enough, Joonghyuk entertains the mundane topic in hopes it is relaxing in the slightest. Yes, he wants to know more... He wishes to know what ails Dokja, but this is a good start. Dokja seldom ever talked about other things that weren't scenario-related.
Slowly, the amount of clean plates pile with soft clinks. ]
What have you been doing?
[ Does it sound like a wife who's worried about her husband coming home late... Maybe. ]
He hopes for the same for the man beside him. ]
It would be good if you got more sleep. You need more of it.
[ Odd enough, Joonghyuk entertains the mundane topic in hopes it is relaxing in the slightest. Yes, he wants to know more... He wishes to know what ails Dokja, but this is a good start. Dokja seldom ever talked about other things that weren't scenario-related.
Slowly, the amount of clean plates pile with soft clinks. ]
What have you been doing?
[ Does it sound like a wife who's worried about her husband coming home late... Maybe. ]
[ A silence falls after that, the turbulent waves of Dokja's emotions swirling without further direction as he finds himself at a loss for words. He almost doesn't want to listen, almost wants to block his ears and squeeze his eyes shut to remain deaf and blind to the obviousness of what Eustace is saying.
But the truth of it remains bare. This entire time, Dokja had been neglecting the feelings of others. He's always been that way, short-sighted and narrow-minded, and it doesn't take a genius to pick that out of him.
It does, however, seem to require one very blunt man to call it out.
The temptation to argue back is strong, the sharp rebuttal of how it can't be about him resting at the very tip of his tongue. Eustace can't understand. He doesn't know the lives lost on account of Dokja, the lifetimes, the worlds, the scraps that had later returned to haunt him. As painfully obvious as it is that he's selfish, it's also just as obvious how much damage he's done. How many lives he's ruined.
Don't invalidate their choices by making it all about you.
His heart wavers now, torn between two directions, and the storm hanging over them dies down to a dull roar as he wars over the opposing thoughts. It feels so difficult now to change his perspective when the guilt he's carried for thousands of years is still buried deep within every inch of his skin. ]
I wonder if that's possible.
But the truth of it remains bare. This entire time, Dokja had been neglecting the feelings of others. He's always been that way, short-sighted and narrow-minded, and it doesn't take a genius to pick that out of him.
It does, however, seem to require one very blunt man to call it out.
The temptation to argue back is strong, the sharp rebuttal of how it can't be about him resting at the very tip of his tongue. Eustace can't understand. He doesn't know the lives lost on account of Dokja, the lifetimes, the worlds, the scraps that had later returned to haunt him. As painfully obvious as it is that he's selfish, it's also just as obvious how much damage he's done. How many lives he's ruined.
Don't invalidate their choices by making it all about you.
His heart wavers now, torn between two directions, and the storm hanging over them dies down to a dull roar as he wars over the opposing thoughts. It feels so difficult now to change his perspective when the guilt he's carried for thousands of years is still buried deep within every inch of his skin. ]
I wonder if that's possible.
[ The slight absurdity of this conversation isn't lost on Dokja, though he tries not to show it. He'd never really imagined them in a position like this, doing domestic chores while talking about the small events in their lives, but as uneasy as it initially feels, it's almost startling how much he finds that he doesn't mind.
Maybe he'd always wanted something like this. Maybe he had occasionally entertained the thought of having someone beside him while he worked to chase away the loneliness.
So he (awkwardly) holds on to this. ]
Oh. Exploring, mostly. Sometimes I run into a familiar face so I stick around to chat.
[ He is trying very hard not to think of his latest run-in and what that had entailed, all too aware of the shared Aspect between himself and Joonghyuk... But a little embarrassment might creep out, which he is quick to distract from by speaking out a second time. ]
There are a lot of libraries in Akadimaïkós, too. I was thinking of spending more time there in general.
Maybe he'd always wanted something like this. Maybe he had occasionally entertained the thought of having someone beside him while he worked to chase away the loneliness.
So he (awkwardly) holds on to this. ]
Oh. Exploring, mostly. Sometimes I run into a familiar face so I stick around to chat.
[ He is trying very hard not to think of his latest run-in and what that had entailed, all too aware of the shared Aspect between himself and Joonghyuk... But a little embarrassment might creep out, which he is quick to distract from by speaking out a second time. ]
There are a lot of libraries in Akadimaïkós, too. I was thinking of spending more time there in general.
[ He isn't sure if he'll get a response or not, if his words end up too harsh in the end and Dokja decides he's had enough and cuts their connection. (Who could blame him, really, when an acquaintence-not-even-friend decides to butt in on personal affairs?) When their tenuous connection holds even after the tick-tock passing of many seconds, he lets out the silent breath that's been building inside his chest.
i had something witty i was going to put here but it's 11:15 pm and my lone brain cell has already crumbled to dust so you get nothing ]
It's not going to happen overnight.
[ His own grief is an empty mockery of what Dokja's feels like, and if he can't shake off the shackles that have been chaining him for the past decade and a half there surely there's no way Dokja can manage such a feat in the space of a few months.
Even so... ]
It definitely won't be possible if you believe it isn't.
[ The mind is a man's worst enemy, etc etc. The most insidious too, because it's a voice that can't ever be fully purged. But sometimes it can be muted for a short while, suppressed by a louder and more cacophonous group of voices. Family. Jovial coworkers. Friends.
He sighs again, this time audible. But his voice is muted when it follows, the shallow reserves of his energy depleted. He's pushed enough, he thinks. Everything that's left is up to Dokja now. ]
Take the hand the next time it's offered to you, instead of pushing it away.
i had something witty i was going to put here but it's 11:15 pm and my lone brain cell has already crumbled to dust so you get nothing ]
It's not going to happen overnight.
[ His own grief is an empty mockery of what Dokja's feels like, and if he can't shake off the shackles that have been chaining him for the past decade and a half there surely there's no way Dokja can manage such a feat in the space of a few months.
Even so... ]
It definitely won't be possible if you believe it isn't.
[ The mind is a man's worst enemy, etc etc. The most insidious too, because it's a voice that can't ever be fully purged. But sometimes it can be muted for a short while, suppressed by a louder and more cacophonous group of voices. Family. Jovial coworkers. Friends.
He sighs again, this time audible. But his voice is muted when it follows, the shallow reserves of his energy depleted. He's pushed enough, he thinks. Everything that's left is up to Dokja now. ]
Take the hand the next time it's offered to you, instead of pushing it away.
[ This is what their life was supposed to be like eventually, Dokja. Hopefully, having moments like this can keep their heads clear, focused on their goals, that they may have more moments like this... But Joonghyuk knows better. He believes that he may be the only one that thinks this and that the man beside him must be distancing himself again.
It truly is difficult to quell the uneasiness he feels. When it's meant to be gone, the lack of it makes him more uneasy. The ping of embarrassment is good distraction and, naturally, Joonghyuk is a curious one and that sincerity shines through their aspect. As odd as the connection is, as much as he hates his thoughts and emotions being conveyed without a say, and as much he prefers to give people the privacy he wishes for himself...
Joonghyuk feels Dokja is indebted to him, for all the times he read him, for the times he possessed his body, and the times he left him behind. ]
You made a fool out of yourself recently?
[ In Joonghyuk fashion, he focuses on what benefits him, what he's interested in, even if it's at the expense of another.
Always at the expense of another, actually. ]
It truly is difficult to quell the uneasiness he feels. When it's meant to be gone, the lack of it makes him more uneasy. The ping of embarrassment is good distraction and, naturally, Joonghyuk is a curious one and that sincerity shines through their aspect. As odd as the connection is, as much as he hates his thoughts and emotions being conveyed without a say, and as much he prefers to give people the privacy he wishes for himself...
Joonghyuk feels Dokja is indebted to him, for all the times he read him, for the times he possessed his body, and the times he left him behind. ]
You made a fool out of yourself recently?
[ In Joonghyuk fashion, he focuses on what benefits him, what he's interested in, even if it's at the expense of another.
Always at the expense of another, actually. ]
[ Help, this is truly the worst. Why did they have to go and share an Aspect of all things? So caught-off guard is he by the question that he coughs, choking on nothing but air as he turns his face away and shuffles some dishes back into the cupboards where they belong in an attempt to buy time.
The conversation he'd had with Sooyoung had been awkward enough, ending in a fiery blaze where things had very quickly gone south, and he really doesn't want to have to go through the same mortifying account with Joonghyuk. Mild panic touches upon their connection, and by the time Dokja realizes that this, too, can be felt, he's internally losing it as he's forced to think about what had happened at that time. ]
It wasn't... that.
[ Mercy, please. He's desperate for an out, mind racing at top speed for a subject change yet again. ]
—Joonghyuk-ah, [ he says, relying on that age old informal friendliness and immediately rounding on the other man to grab him by the arm. ] You know what I've been thinking? You should join me on one of the visits to the libraries.
The conversation he'd had with Sooyoung had been awkward enough, ending in a fiery blaze where things had very quickly gone south, and he really doesn't want to have to go through the same mortifying account with Joonghyuk. Mild panic touches upon their connection, and by the time Dokja realizes that this, too, can be felt, he's internally losing it as he's forced to think about what had happened at that time. ]
It wasn't... that.
[ Mercy, please. He's desperate for an out, mind racing at top speed for a subject change yet again. ]
—Joonghyuk-ah, [ he says, relying on that age old informal friendliness and immediately rounding on the other man to grab him by the arm. ] You know what I've been thinking? You should join me on one of the visits to the libraries.
[ Because Dokja kins way too much. This is his aspect? Get out. Anyway, things can be different here. Unlike Sooyoung, Joonghyuk gets a window on Dokja's emotions. He has the benefit of ]
It was that.
[ With full confidence, not an inkling of doubt in his mind. Dokja's little spiral which he can feel in waves emboldens him further.
why are you acting like ruby dokja The touch has him slow in his task and turn with a cocked brow. He doesn't try to pry or swat that hand away. It may stay... It has been years, hasn't it? He hadn't laid a hand on the avatar left behind. There was a fear, funny as it was, that he'd break something fragile and precious. Remembrance subsides and he lands on the obvious question: what is Dokja scheming this time? ]
Why?
[ Not in an annoyed way, but inquisitive. Dokja has never invited him anywhere before without a purpose. Usually, that purpose is to progress his plans. ]
It was that.
[ With full confidence, not an inkling of doubt in his mind. Dokja's little spiral which he can feel in waves emboldens him further.
why are you acting like ruby dokja The touch has him slow in his task and turn with a cocked brow. He doesn't try to pry or swat that hand away. It may stay... It has been years, hasn't it? He hadn't laid a hand on the avatar left behind. There was a fear, funny as it was, that he'd break something fragile and precious. Remembrance subsides and he lands on the obvious question: what is Dokja scheming this time? ]
Why?
[ Not in an annoyed way, but inquisitive. Dokja has never invited him anywhere before without a purpose. Usually, that purpose is to progress his plans. ]
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