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Oh...
[ it's almost difficult to hear Dokja over the sound of her own heartbeat thundering in her ears, but his calm and straightforward manner helps, keeps the words from being distorted by her fear into anything else. recognising that there is no threat to race ahead of, her mind slows down too, and she can actually think again.
what Dokja says is—effective. comfort wouldn't put Ruby at ease, and having her reaction questioned is always the worst, no matter how well-meaning. someone taking the responsibility on themself feels like they're removing a live bomb from her hands. in an effort to get her body to relax, she closes her eyes – she doesn't want to see judgement in Dokja's expression – takes a quick, sharp breath and then releases it in a slow exhale: huuu.
her eyes blink open, her face open and friendly as though nothing had happened. ]
Sorry. [ she smiles easily. ] Ahaha, how embarrassing. When I could feel that it didn't seem to be working, I thought I must have been doing something wrong.
[ Ugh. You're right, you should have just told me, you jerk! Then I wouldn't have been so scared! ]
Is there—something else I can do to help? I can't just make you do all this for me and not give you anything in return...
[ it's almost difficult to hear Dokja over the sound of her own heartbeat thundering in her ears, but his calm and straightforward manner helps, keeps the words from being distorted by her fear into anything else. recognising that there is no threat to race ahead of, her mind slows down too, and she can actually think again.
what Dokja says is—effective. comfort wouldn't put Ruby at ease, and having her reaction questioned is always the worst, no matter how well-meaning. someone taking the responsibility on themself feels like they're removing a live bomb from her hands. in an effort to get her body to relax, she closes her eyes – she doesn't want to see judgement in Dokja's expression – takes a quick, sharp breath and then releases it in a slow exhale: huuu.
her eyes blink open, her face open and friendly as though nothing had happened. ]
Sorry. [ she smiles easily. ] Ahaha, how embarrassing. When I could feel that it didn't seem to be working, I thought I must have been doing something wrong.
[ Ugh. You're right, you should have just told me, you jerk! Then I wouldn't have been so scared! ]
Is there—something else I can do to help? I can't just make you do all this for me and not give you anything in return...
[ What a quick recovery, and one that Dokja notes for now. The concern has yet to clear from his gaze, but he moves along easily enough as the flow of conversation shifts to a different topic. It's not like he'd have anything useful to say anyway, and all he can do is keep an eye on her to make sure she really is okay. ]
Well...
[ He draws out the word as his eyes flicker over to the walls surrounding them, each one lined with shelves of books. He could lie and say that he doesn't need anything, that this current exchange between them is from the goodness of his heart (lmao), but he does have something in mind. ]
I recently took ownership of this book cafe, and we're set to reopen in the next month or so. While I know Springstar isn't your home, would it be too much to ask you to drop in and help whenever you're around?
[ It feels a bit shameless asking so blatantly like this, but he doesn't think it's too difficult a request! ]
Well...
[ He draws out the word as his eyes flicker over to the walls surrounding them, each one lined with shelves of books. He could lie and say that he doesn't need anything, that this current exchange between them is from the goodness of his heart (lmao), but he does have something in mind. ]
I recently took ownership of this book cafe, and we're set to reopen in the next month or so. While I know Springstar isn't your home, would it be too much to ask you to drop in and help whenever you're around?
[ It feels a bit shameless asking so blatantly like this, but he doesn't think it's too difficult a request! ]
[ Another Oracle event come and gone, and once again they're back in the safety and sanctity of their home. (Their home as opposed to Dokja's home as it had started out all those months ago.)
Gray's out on another one of her Alenroux excursions, hardworking to the cause as she always is. The house still feels full though, the chickens snoozing in the backyard while Raisin snoozes at the foot of the couch. The clatter of dishes in the sink fills the air as Eustace finishes post-dinner clean-up, and Dokja lounges on the couch with yet another book. It's idyllic. Peaceful.
Or it would be, if Dokja didn't look like absolute dogshit.
Somehow things have gotten progressively worse with him even after returning from Highstorm. Eustace has a suspicion as to why, his post-return conversation with Gray always present at the back of his mind, but he'd held onto the vain hope that Dokja would have brought it up of his own volition eventually. No dice. Clearly he's going to have to take matters into his own hands.
He turns off the tap. Heads over to the couch. Proceeds to stare at Dokja for way too long before he finally speaks up. ]
Were you ever going to tell me?
[ Once again he doesn't bother with any preamble, diving straight into the conversation without any sort of context. ]
Gray's out on another one of her Alenroux excursions, hardworking to the cause as she always is. The house still feels full though, the chickens snoozing in the backyard while Raisin snoozes at the foot of the couch. The clatter of dishes in the sink fills the air as Eustace finishes post-dinner clean-up, and Dokja lounges on the couch with yet another book. It's idyllic. Peaceful.
Or it would be, if Dokja didn't look like absolute dogshit.
Somehow things have gotten progressively worse with him even after returning from Highstorm. Eustace has a suspicion as to why, his post-return conversation with Gray always present at the back of his mind, but he'd held onto the vain hope that Dokja would have brought it up of his own volition eventually. No dice. Clearly he's going to have to take matters into his own hands.
He turns off the tap. Heads over to the couch. Proceeds to stare at Dokja for way too long before he finally speaks up. ]
Were you ever going to tell me?
[ Once again he doesn't bother with any preamble, diving straight into the conversation without any sort of context. ]
[ With an Oracle finally secured for their side, it's cause for celebration. The atmosphere in Springstar has grown lively, the people more boisterous. But Dokja's idea of a celebration is more muted than most, staying inside and relaxing after a long week and, for once, not nursing any new wounds. Old wounds, however, spread rapidly, and Dokja finds that he doesn't have the energy to travel more than the distance between the couch and the bed these days.
He's even having a hard time making out the letters in his book, and no amount of adjusting the glasses sitting on his face make them any clearer. He's so deeply concentrating on just trying to read a single sentence that he doesn't notice that the clatter of dishes has stopped, the tap shut off, and that Eustace is standing over him until the silence between them is broken.
Dokja blinks up in surprise, caught off-guard because he hadn't been paying attention, though no part of him is confused by the question. He had known Eustace would find out eventually, partly because of Dokja's rapidly declining state doing him no favors, but also by guessing that Gray was aware of what had occurred with him and Rin. So then, it was only a matter of time before Eustace and Gray would speak, leading to... this.
With a quiet sigh, Dokja shuts the book and sits up on the couch. He could play stupid, the way he so often does, but he doesn't. What would be the point of that? And after everything he's already put Eustace through? ]
Sit down. You're too tall for me to be looking up at you from here.
[ He's not trying to add an aching neck on top of everything else, and Dokja pats the spot next to him. ]
He's even having a hard time making out the letters in his book, and no amount of adjusting the glasses sitting on his face make them any clearer. He's so deeply concentrating on just trying to read a single sentence that he doesn't notice that the clatter of dishes has stopped, the tap shut off, and that Eustace is standing over him until the silence between them is broken.
Dokja blinks up in surprise, caught off-guard because he hadn't been paying attention, though no part of him is confused by the question. He had known Eustace would find out eventually, partly because of Dokja's rapidly declining state doing him no favors, but also by guessing that Gray was aware of what had occurred with him and Rin. So then, it was only a matter of time before Eustace and Gray would speak, leading to... this.
With a quiet sigh, Dokja shuts the book and sits up on the couch. He could play stupid, the way he so often does, but he doesn't. What would be the point of that? And after everything he's already put Eustace through? ]
Sit down. You're too tall for me to be looking up at you from here.
[ He's not trying to add an aching neck on top of everything else, and Dokja pats the spot next to him. ]
[ He is a normal height, thank you very much?
But Dokja isn't avoiding his question or trying to weasel his way out of answering for once, and so Eustace does him the courtesy of not being a little bitch right back and doing as he's told, sighing once before he circles around the coffee table to take a seat right next to Dokja and save him from having to add an aching neck to his list of aches and pains.
All this he does without saying a word, in true stoic fashion. ]
But Dokja isn't avoiding his question or trying to weasel his way out of answering for once, and so Eustace does him the courtesy of not being a little bitch right back and doing as he's told, sighing once before he circles around the coffee table to take a seat right next to Dokja and save him from having to add an aching neck to his list of aches and pains.
All this he does without saying a word, in true stoic fashion. ]
[ Normal height where.
Once Eustace sits down, Dokja sets his book down on the table and shifts in his seat, tucking one leg under him and draping an arm along the back of the couch as he turns his body so that they can speak face to face. He knows there's a lot of explaining that he has to do, and no part of him is used to speaking candidly, so excuse him as he bumbles his way through. ]
Probably not. I didn't want to worry you, and there's nothing that can be done about it now.
[ He harbors no resentment toward Cassian who had come to him for help, and while he thinks poorly of Aetos, there's no part of him that desires revenge. He's never really been the type to seek that sort of thing, and should he ever meet that person again, it'll be answers that Dokja will be after more than anything else. ]
... Gray told you?
Once Eustace sits down, Dokja sets his book down on the table and shifts in his seat, tucking one leg under him and draping an arm along the back of the couch as he turns his body so that they can speak face to face. He knows there's a lot of explaining that he has to do, and no part of him is used to speaking candidly, so excuse him as he bumbles his way through. ]
Probably not. I didn't want to worry you, and there's nothing that can be done about it now.
[ He harbors no resentment toward Cassian who had come to him for help, and while he thinks poorly of Aetos, there's no part of him that desires revenge. He's never really been the type to seek that sort of thing, and should he ever meet that person again, it'll be answers that Dokja will be after more than anything else. ]
... Gray told you?
[ It's not his fault everyone else in the house is short.
And it certainly isn't Gray's fault for spilling the beans either, even if he knows Dokja isn't the type to place blame for something like that so easily. ]
I asked her.
[ How could he not, when things had been so disjointed when he'd arrived back? It's always been in his nature to do his research and scrouge for every last scrap of information relevant to his situation and any immediate future paths he might take. If Gray hadn't told him then he would have found out from someone else.
Even if, as Dokja says, there's nothing to be done about things as they stand.
He certainly isn't happy about having to nudge the answers out now, but at least his expression doesn't look any more sour than usual. They're two adults, having a civil conversation, and the somber set of his lips and even tone of voice attest to his willingness to listen rather than argue. ]
Next time something happens, just tell me. I'm going to worry either way.
[ That's just how friendship works, as he's quickly come to learn. People worry regardless, whether the weather is fair or gloomy, whether or not there's anything that can be done. ]
What happened? [ The nitty-gritty of everything that'd passed. ] Gray didn't know the details.
And it certainly isn't Gray's fault for spilling the beans either, even if he knows Dokja isn't the type to place blame for something like that so easily. ]
I asked her.
[ How could he not, when things had been so disjointed when he'd arrived back? It's always been in his nature to do his research and scrouge for every last scrap of information relevant to his situation and any immediate future paths he might take. If Gray hadn't told him then he would have found out from someone else.
Even if, as Dokja says, there's nothing to be done about things as they stand.
He certainly isn't happy about having to nudge the answers out now, but at least his expression doesn't look any more sour than usual. They're two adults, having a civil conversation, and the somber set of his lips and even tone of voice attest to his willingness to listen rather than argue. ]
Next time something happens, just tell me. I'm going to worry either way.
[ That's just how friendship works, as he's quickly come to learn. People worry regardless, whether the weather is fair or gloomy, whether or not there's anything that can be done. ]
What happened? [ The nitty-gritty of everything that'd passed. ] Gray didn't know the details.
[ Imagine healthy, open communication.
With a dramatic ass sigh, Dokja swings his legs over to drop them on Eustace's lap, then falls back to lie against the decorative couch pillows resting on the side. If he's going to do this, then he might as well get comfortable, and after the nights spent sharing a bed with Eustace, he's really come to become a professional at invading personal space.
It's kind of like therapy, with him lying there and someone else listening. Not that Dokja would know, considering he's never done therapy before in his life. ]
Cassian came to me asking for help. He needed my Shard in order to exchange it for information that could unearth secrets about Springstar. I agreed to help him.
[ He stares up at the ceiling as he talks, his expression growing more and more uncomfortable as he continues. It had been anything but a pleasant experience, and recalling it now causes a deep chill to seep under his skin. ]
Turns out the person who wanted my Shard was Aetos. Cassian didn't know. Anyway, I ended up getting experimented on.
[ It's annoying how casually he says that last part, but it's clear from the way that he can't meet Eustace's gaze that he's trying to get through this as quickly as possible, like he's just talking to the air, not another human being, to make it easier to cope with. ]
With a dramatic ass sigh, Dokja swings his legs over to drop them on Eustace's lap, then falls back to lie against the decorative couch pillows resting on the side. If he's going to do this, then he might as well get comfortable, and after the nights spent sharing a bed with Eustace, he's really come to become a professional at invading personal space.
It's kind of like therapy, with him lying there and someone else listening. Not that Dokja would know, considering he's never done therapy before in his life. ]
Cassian came to me asking for help. He needed my Shard in order to exchange it for information that could unearth secrets about Springstar. I agreed to help him.
[ He stares up at the ceiling as he talks, his expression growing more and more uncomfortable as he continues. It had been anything but a pleasant experience, and recalling it now causes a deep chill to seep under his skin. ]
Turns out the person who wanted my Shard was Aetos. Cassian didn't know. Anyway, I ended up getting experimented on.
[ It's annoying how casually he says that last part, but it's clear from the way that he can't meet Eustace's gaze that he's trying to get through this as quickly as possible, like he's just talking to the air, not another human being, to make it easier to cope with. ]
[ Absolutely hilarious that Eustace still doesn't know who the fuck Cassian is because they've never had enough interactions to bother with (real) names.
That's the one saving grace in all this, that there's no known target other than Aetos for Eustace to direct the bulk of his anger towards. And a deep-seated anger it is, flaring up in the pit of his stomach as soon as that name hits the air. He's gotten good at feigning indifference despite his actual feelings underneath, but just because he can control his expression doesn't mean he can control the automatic reactions of his body. The way his legs stiffen under Dokja's, or the way his fingers curl into fists at his side.
It's a good thing that Dokja's draped over him like a human blanket, a physical weight that stops him from going out and doing something unwise. It's a reminder that there are more important things right in front of him to worry about first.
He wants to ask what happened during those experiments, if his Shard or another part of him's been irreversibly damaged. But the air is already heavy and the look on Dokja's face growing more uncomfortable by the second, so he swallows his words and settles for something safer, more shallow. ]
And these are the side effects? [ It's less of a question and more of a statement. ] You said there's nothing to be done now. So we're just supposed to wait until...
[ He can't quite finish the statement, but it's probably obvious what words were going to follow behind. ]
That's the one saving grace in all this, that there's no known target other than Aetos for Eustace to direct the bulk of his anger towards. And a deep-seated anger it is, flaring up in the pit of his stomach as soon as that name hits the air. He's gotten good at feigning indifference despite his actual feelings underneath, but just because he can control his expression doesn't mean he can control the automatic reactions of his body. The way his legs stiffen under Dokja's, or the way his fingers curl into fists at his side.
It's a good thing that Dokja's draped over him like a human blanket, a physical weight that stops him from going out and doing something unwise. It's a reminder that there are more important things right in front of him to worry about first.
He wants to ask what happened during those experiments, if his Shard or another part of him's been irreversibly damaged. But the air is already heavy and the look on Dokja's face growing more uncomfortable by the second, so he swallows his words and settles for something safer, more shallow. ]
And these are the side effects? [ It's less of a question and more of a statement. ] You said there's nothing to be done now. So we're just supposed to wait until...
[ He can't quite finish the statement, but it's probably obvious what words were going to follow behind. ]
[ These are the side effects. Dokja folds his hands and rests them against his stomach, his tired gaze still trained on the ceiling. He feels so unlike himself these days, in a constant daze and slow moving, like he's stuck in a thick fog. The two-pronged attack of his wildly out of control Discord on top of Yoo Joonghyuk's Shard battling for dominance inside of him leaves him feeling drained of everything that makes him... well, him.
He huffs out a small laugh that's more breath than laugh, as if trying to add a dry sort of humor to this absurd situation. ]
Until the Discord turns me into some kind of monster?
[ The white scales have already spread across a good percentage of his skin, and he's almost certain he's like a day or two away from spontaneously obtaining a forked tongue. Purification hasn't aided in keeping the Discord at bay, either. He's tried. It's really only a matter of time at this point, but. He won't let it come to that. ]
I'll have to be killed when that happens, and I might end up hurting people in the process. I don't want that.
[ It's then that he finally lowers his eyes to meet Eustace's gaze. Despite the exhaustion apparent there, they shine with a firm conviction. ]
I've already decided.
He huffs out a small laugh that's more breath than laugh, as if trying to add a dry sort of humor to this absurd situation. ]
Until the Discord turns me into some kind of monster?
[ The white scales have already spread across a good percentage of his skin, and he's almost certain he's like a day or two away from spontaneously obtaining a forked tongue. Purification hasn't aided in keeping the Discord at bay, either. He's tried. It's really only a matter of time at this point, but. He won't let it come to that. ]
I'll have to be killed when that happens, and I might end up hurting people in the process. I don't want that.
[ It's then that he finally lowers his eyes to meet Eustace's gaze. Despite the exhaustion apparent there, they shine with a firm conviction. ]
I've already decided.
[ Dokja does his best to inject the smallest sliver of humor into this miserable situation and Eustace completely fails to take the bait, his expression remaining as stony as ever. It's to compensate for the misery that ties his stomach into knots and threatens to close his throat, a stifling and suffocating sensation he hasn't felt in a long while.
He steps carefully around the mess of his emotions, tries not to think about the man next to him transformed into a beast that needs to be put down, and tries to steer his focus back to what's important. ]
Decided?
[ Said in a way that someone else might say go on. It's all he can trust himself to say right now. ]
He steps carefully around the mess of his emotions, tries not to think about the man next to him transformed into a beast that needs to be put down, and tries to steer his focus back to what's important. ]
Decided?
[ Said in a way that someone else might say go on. It's all he can trust himself to say right now. ]
To die. To dissipate. Temporarily, of course.
[ Said plainly and simply. This is not his first, second, or third rodeo. It's not even his fourth or fifth, but it is one of the first times he's decided to talk about it beforehand. It feels awkward to do, so accustomed is he to doing everything on his own with no regard to the impact it may have on others, but this time is different.
... Would he have kept it a secret if Eustace hadn't confronted him about his other secret just now? Well, we'll never know now, will we? ]
It might just be the reset that my Shard needs.
[ Said plainly and simply. This is not his first, second, or third rodeo. It's not even his fourth or fifth, but it is one of the first times he's decided to talk about it beforehand. It feels awkward to do, so accustomed is he to doing everything on his own with no regard to the impact it may have on others, but this time is different.
... Would he have kept it a secret if Eustace hadn't confronted him about his other secret just now? Well, we'll never know now, will we? ]
It might just be the reset that my Shard needs.
[ there isn't anything in particular that she's expecting Dokja to ask. while he certainly doesn't seem like a Meridian zealot, it's not a turn she could pretend to be surprised by, him deciding to extract faction favours from her given the opportunity. with the amount of Discord he's purifying for her, he could demand a lot in repayment. Rudbeckia always has to brace herself for the worst — which is why it does come as a genuine surprise to hear what he wants in return. ]
... That's all?
[ it can't be kindness, surely. is he just indifferent to her? that would make the most sense; he's assessed that she doesn't have any real use to him or anything of worth to offer, so he's chosen something basic because it should be a task even someone like her can accomplish. that's fine. she can survive on indifference.
Ruby's wide-eyed, almost dazed expression shifts – her face brightens, chattering eagerly: ]
Yes – of course, I'd be happy to help out! Truthfully, the only other thing that occupies my time is my position as Set's high priestess, and I don't actually have that many duties... [ and she'll be back with Meridian soon enough, even if she still has no intention of setting down roots in Springstar. ] Without the, um, photophobia, I'll be able to come by Springstar a lot more often now, too! I don't know if I'll be a very good employee, but I'll try my best.
... That's all?
[ it can't be kindness, surely. is he just indifferent to her? that would make the most sense; he's assessed that she doesn't have any real use to him or anything of worth to offer, so he's chosen something basic because it should be a task even someone like her can accomplish. that's fine. she can survive on indifference.
Ruby's wide-eyed, almost dazed expression shifts – her face brightens, chattering eagerly: ]
Yes – of course, I'd be happy to help out! Truthfully, the only other thing that occupies my time is my position as Set's high priestess, and I don't actually have that many duties... [ and she'll be back with Meridian soon enough, even if she still has no intention of setting down roots in Springstar. ] Without the, um, photophobia, I'll be able to come by Springstar a lot more often now, too! I don't know if I'll be a very good employee, but I'll try my best.
[ He says it so easily, like he's talking about the act of cooking a meal or taking a shower, not the cessation of his own life. Then again, maybe dying to him is is as easy as taking a stroll through the park. Dokja's certainly done it often enough in the past for it to become something almost routine.
But the scars his death always leaves behind aren't usual or expected. Eustace thinks of Gen and the way one sleeve had hung empty for too long. He thinks about the worry he'd seen reflected in Gray's eyes when she'd quietly told him about the events he'd missed. He thinks about the discomfort in his chest, writhing and expanding until it feels like it's about to burst past the confines of his skin.
Death is never that easy.
It's his turn to look away now, to fix his gaze on a speck of nothingness on the wall directly across him. Again he speaks, and again his voice is low. Quiet. ]
How can you be so sure you'll come back?
[ If there's anything he's learned over the years, it's to not take anything for granted, especially in this unpredictable and fickle place. Things that might have held true one day might no longer follow the same rules the next. Things he had imagined to be impossible once are things of the every day here.
He doesn't want to imagine the possibility of Dokja not coming back, but better to confront that now than to be caught awares later, a second gaping hole in his heart the only evidence that someone had ever been there to begin with. ]
But the scars his death always leaves behind aren't usual or expected. Eustace thinks of Gen and the way one sleeve had hung empty for too long. He thinks about the worry he'd seen reflected in Gray's eyes when she'd quietly told him about the events he'd missed. He thinks about the discomfort in his chest, writhing and expanding until it feels like it's about to burst past the confines of his skin.
Death is never that easy.
It's his turn to look away now, to fix his gaze on a speck of nothingness on the wall directly across him. Again he speaks, and again his voice is low. Quiet. ]
How can you be so sure you'll come back?
[ If there's anything he's learned over the years, it's to not take anything for granted, especially in this unpredictable and fickle place. Things that might have held true one day might no longer follow the same rules the next. Things he had imagined to be impossible once are things of the every day here.
He doesn't want to imagine the possibility of Dokja not coming back, but better to confront that now than to be caught awares later, a second gaping hole in his heart the only evidence that someone had ever been there to begin with. ]
[ Oh. He'd tried to keep it from getting to this dark topic, darker than it already is. Dokja speaks of death so casually and forgets not everyone does the same. He pushes himself back up with his hands, pulling his legs off Eustace's lap as he does, but he doesn't go far.
Now that he's sitting again, Dokja reaches out to take Eustace's hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly. He wonders if it'll ever not feel this odd, having someone care about him. Knowing that they care about him after countless times of being told so. Really, he still thinks it's a little silly and a lot more frightening that he could be cared about at all, but he won't run from it. ]
I'll come back. I have to come back.
[ Where else can he go? It's all too clear that while some people can disappear, Dokja's not one of them. He's been here for so long, ever since the very beginning, and quietly, he's accepted that this is it for him until whichever side obtains victory. That's why he's learned to call this roof over his head home, and why he'll have to come back to the people that make it such a place.
But that's too uncertain an answer despite the certainty of his tone, so he settles for reason. ]
As long as my Shard is intact, I'll be okay.
Now that he's sitting again, Dokja reaches out to take Eustace's hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly. He wonders if it'll ever not feel this odd, having someone care about him. Knowing that they care about him after countless times of being told so. Really, he still thinks it's a little silly and a lot more frightening that he could be cared about at all, but he won't run from it. ]
I'll come back. I have to come back.
[ Where else can he go? It's all too clear that while some people can disappear, Dokja's not one of them. He's been here for so long, ever since the very beginning, and quietly, he's accepted that this is it for him until whichever side obtains victory. That's why he's learned to call this roof over his head home, and why he'll have to come back to the people that make it such a place.
But that's too uncertain an answer despite the certainty of his tone, so he settles for reason. ]
As long as my Shard is intact, I'll be okay.
[ Wow, it's honestly kind of impressive how quickly Dokja's expression drops at the mention of Set. It's not that they've had too many run-ins with each other, which he purposefully keeps that way, it's just that the one significant interaction that they have had still leaves a bad taste in his mouth.
Kind of literally.]
Set's priestess?
[ Dokja at least tries to recover, though the good-natured look on his face from before looks more strained. While he's glad to hear her agree to his proposal, he's still left a little concerned what her connection to Set might entail in the future. It's good to be prepared, after all, and he still doesn't know Ruby all that well yet. Might as well take this time to do that, he supposes. ]
Sorry, I'm not too familiar with what that means. [ He figures it has to do with Set being an Egyptian god (bleh), but a priestess? ] Do you worship him?
Kind of literally.]
Set's priestess?
[ Dokja at least tries to recover, though the good-natured look on his face from before looks more strained. While he's glad to hear her agree to his proposal, he's still left a little concerned what her connection to Set might entail in the future. It's good to be prepared, after all, and he still doesn't know Ruby all that well yet. Might as well take this time to do that, he supposes. ]
Sorry, I'm not too familiar with what that means. [ He figures it has to do with Set being an Egyptian god (bleh), but a priestess? ] Do you worship him?
[ the sudden shift doesn't surprise her, and so there's no reaction from Ruby, no flinch or crestfallen expression. from the moment she decided to live in Set's shadow, Ruby had known there would be situations like this, where she is stained in someone else's perception by her association with him. but she had also decided that it didn't matter. she isn't losing anything; no one was ever going to accept her in the first place. if she weren't willing to bear the hatred of others to survive, then she might as well just lie down and die.
at least Dokja is being nice about it. ]
Mm... Not really? [ she leans forward onto the table, chin propped up by her spare hand. there's a wide-eyed naivete about her, too innocent or too stupid to even consider the consequences of being involved with Set. ] It's more like, um... we made a deal. Set protects me, and I'm devoted to him. He promised me that I'll never have to take part in the war for as long as I'm his.
[ there's a pause, lingering on that particular statement, and then she laughs: ] In practise, I mostly just look after his shrine!
[ is that enough? she always finds herself wondering, when she speaks – is that sufficient character motivation? has she portrayed herself as too clever, too aware, too selfish? everyone already knows that she's a coward, but perhaps they'll begin to question why she chose Set, of all people. he would hardly seem a safe option. she'd ended up revealing the truth of it to Amos, and it had been awful. a revolting, repulsive, marrow-flayingly personal display.
so maybe she really should just fall back on the same old story. it won't be hard, pretending to be in love with Set. ]
And, you know... [ that hand she's leaning on twirls a lock of golden hair around one delicate finger, her long lashes lowered over her eyes, and her cheeks begin to bloom a fetching dusky pink. ] He's my saviour. I just really like him. I'm probably not a very good priestess, but he seemed happy, so...
at least Dokja is being nice about it. ]
Mm... Not really? [ she leans forward onto the table, chin propped up by her spare hand. there's a wide-eyed naivete about her, too innocent or too stupid to even consider the consequences of being involved with Set. ] It's more like, um... we made a deal. Set protects me, and I'm devoted to him. He promised me that I'll never have to take part in the war for as long as I'm his.
[ there's a pause, lingering on that particular statement, and then she laughs: ] In practise, I mostly just look after his shrine!
[ is that enough? she always finds herself wondering, when she speaks – is that sufficient character motivation? has she portrayed herself as too clever, too aware, too selfish? everyone already knows that she's a coward, but perhaps they'll begin to question why she chose Set, of all people. he would hardly seem a safe option. she'd ended up revealing the truth of it to Amos, and it had been awful. a revolting, repulsive, marrow-flayingly personal display.
so maybe she really should just fall back on the same old story. it won't be hard, pretending to be in love with Set. ]
And, you know... [ that hand she's leaning on twirls a lock of golden hair around one delicate finger, her long lashes lowered over her eyes, and her cheeks begin to bloom a fetching dusky pink. ] He's my saviour. I just really like him. I'm probably not a very good priestess, but he seemed happy, so...
[ do i even remember what happened in this thread after i abandoned it for so long, stay tuned
Despite the words that wash over him and the warm hand that wraps around his, the reassurances do little in alleviating his concerns, which only seem to multiply with each passing second. Sure, that's always held true until now, that all Shardbearers are functionally immortal so long as as their Shards are intact, but—
But. His fingers tighten within the confines of Dokja's hold, nails once again scoring faint lines across his palm. ]
You were experimented on. How do you know things are still the same?
[ Maybe he's worrying over nothing as he always has, each one of his worries amplified by the encroaching threat of loss that looms so close on the horizon. Fear of his own death has always been a distant stranger, a blurred shape on the horizon that's never ventured too close. How can he fear death when he's courted it for so long? But now that it's closing in on someone else, someone he values and trusts, he can feel the ice spreading across his heart again, his instinctual response to shut down and close himself off flaring up again. ]
Despite the words that wash over him and the warm hand that wraps around his, the reassurances do little in alleviating his concerns, which only seem to multiply with each passing second. Sure, that's always held true until now, that all Shardbearers are functionally immortal so long as as their Shards are intact, but—
But. His fingers tighten within the confines of Dokja's hold, nails once again scoring faint lines across his palm. ]
You were experimented on. How do you know things are still the same?
[ Maybe he's worrying over nothing as he always has, each one of his worries amplified by the encroaching threat of loss that looms so close on the horizon. Fear of his own death has always been a distant stranger, a blurred shape on the horizon that's never ventured too close. How can he fear death when he's courted it for so long? But now that it's closing in on someone else, someone he values and trusts, he can feel the ice spreading across his heart again, his instinctual response to shut down and close himself off flaring up again. ]
[ It's a little bit interesting getting to hear about Set from someone else's perspective. While Dokja knows neither Ruby nor Set all that well, it's not hard to get the impression that they're people important to each other. He's quiet as he listens, no part of him trying to gleam more out of what he's being told, content to take it as it's presented to him.
There's a lot of things he doesn't like about Set, and underlying much of it has to do with the fact that Dokja hasn't had the greatest experiences with gods. He still dreams of it now, after all. The final battle, the stars collapsing from the skies, the lives lost that day. It's a bit foolish to hold those feelings against a man who had had nothing to do with the events back then, he knows this, but that's the way the pieces have fallen together.
So while his initial reaction had been sour, it eventually smooths into something more curious as Ruby explains their relationship.
... And then it becomes disbelieving when she finishes off her explanation. ]
Aha... Is that so? [ What can he do but awkwardly laugh in this situation?? It's not like he'll ever understand the innerworkings of a girl's mind and who she chooses to crush on. ] I'm glad you have someone keeping an eye on you, then. I wouldn't have expected it from a guy like him, but I guess he's just full of surprises.
There's a lot of things he doesn't like about Set, and underlying much of it has to do with the fact that Dokja hasn't had the greatest experiences with gods. He still dreams of it now, after all. The final battle, the stars collapsing from the skies, the lives lost that day. It's a bit foolish to hold those feelings against a man who had had nothing to do with the events back then, he knows this, but that's the way the pieces have fallen together.
So while his initial reaction had been sour, it eventually smooths into something more curious as Ruby explains their relationship.
... And then it becomes disbelieving when she finishes off her explanation. ]
Aha... Is that so? [ What can he do but awkwardly laugh in this situation?? It's not like he'll ever understand the innerworkings of a girl's mind and who she chooses to crush on. ] I'm glad you have someone keeping an eye on you, then. I wouldn't have expected it from a guy like him, but I guess he's just full of surprises.
[ Concern creases the space between his brows, and Dokja can only close his mouth at the question. He doesn't know. He doesn't know, but that's the risk that follows along with most things in his life, and that's okay to him. Sacrifices come easy, it's either this or something else, but that burden has always been his to carry alone. It's a little embarrassing, he thinks, to have someone genuinely worried about him, to take on some of that weight from his shoulders in an effort to ease the blow.
He's not used to it, and so he tries to defuse the gloomy atmosphere. ]
Geez, were you always this much of a worrier?
[ He keeps his tone light, a bit of a laugh to it. As embarrassed as he feels, Dokja can't help but think some parts of this are endearing. How strange to find himself in a position that he had only ever dreamed of, and he pries open Eustace's hand to relieve the tension focused there before slipping his hand inside, interlacing their fingers together. With his other hand, Dokja reaches out to gently turn Eustace's face toward him, smiling brightly once their eyes meet. He doesn't know how to make this right, having never been in this situation before, but all he can do is try. ]
I'll come back, [ he repeats, firmer this time. ] Believe me for once.
He's not used to it, and so he tries to defuse the gloomy atmosphere. ]
Geez, were you always this much of a worrier?
[ He keeps his tone light, a bit of a laugh to it. As embarrassed as he feels, Dokja can't help but think some parts of this are endearing. How strange to find himself in a position that he had only ever dreamed of, and he pries open Eustace's hand to relieve the tension focused there before slipping his hand inside, interlacing their fingers together. With his other hand, Dokja reaches out to gently turn Eustace's face toward him, smiling brightly once their eyes meet. He doesn't know how to make this right, having never been in this situation before, but all he can do is try. ]
I'll come back, [ he repeats, firmer this time. ] Believe me for once.
[ He's been a worrier for the past twenty years of his life, thanks for asking. Even the hand, warm against his face, does little to reassure him, even if he unconsciously leans into the touch. ]
You better, or I'll bring you back and kill you myself.
[ It's an empty threat, more an outlet for his worry-turned-anger than anything else. Easier to channel his emotions into something that'll move him forward rather than hold him back. But Dokja's making an effort and so should he, so it's with a sigh and a brief closing of his eyes that he acquieses, trying to force his fingers - his whole body - to relax. ]
How much longer?
[ Until the Discord takes over. Until you become unrecognizable. Until you die. ]
You better, or I'll bring you back and kill you myself.
[ It's an empty threat, more an outlet for his worry-turned-anger than anything else. Easier to channel his emotions into something that'll move him forward rather than hold him back. But Dokja's making an effort and so should he, so it's with a sigh and a brief closing of his eyes that he acquieses, trying to force his fingers - his whole body - to relax. ]
How much longer?
[ Until the Discord takes over. Until you become unrecognizable. Until you die. ]
[ This is more like it, the empty threat a comfortable breakthrough that cuts through the tension in the air and returns them to their norm. The hand on Eustace's face drops back down, though he keeps the other hand right where it is as Dokja mulls over how much time he's got left. ]
Not long.
[ His moments of clarity are becoming fewer and fewer, more spread out and shorter in duration. Even the changes to his body are rapidly growing, and it's really only a matter of time before he becomes something completely unrecognizable. Before that happens, he has to end it. ]
I want to get this over with as quickly as possible. [ I want to feel like myself again, is what he wants to say. ] Maybe as soon as tonight.
Not long.
[ His moments of clarity are becoming fewer and fewer, more spread out and shorter in duration. Even the changes to his body are rapidly growing, and it's really only a matter of time before he becomes something completely unrecognizable. Before that happens, he has to end it. ]
I want to get this over with as quickly as possible. [ I want to feel like myself again, is what he wants to say. ] Maybe as soon as tonight.
[ Tonight. A single word that feels like a bucket of ice water dumped straight over his head. It's certainly not what he wants to hear - but then again, none of this has been.
The only bright spot is that he's had time to process by now, his brain slowly restarting and resuming its usual overly practical train of thought. The worst of his unruly emotions have burned bright and fizzled out, leaving him closer to the usual cold composure he's used to working with. Truly, emotions are such a pain to deal with most days. ]
Do you have a plan already?
[ It's been eating him up for so long already, it wouldn't be impossible for such a thing to have lingered in his mind. ]
The only bright spot is that he's had time to process by now, his brain slowly restarting and resuming its usual overly practical train of thought. The worst of his unruly emotions have burned bright and fizzled out, leaving him closer to the usual cold composure he's used to working with. Truly, emotions are such a pain to deal with most days. ]
Do you have a plan already?
[ It's been eating him up for so long already, it wouldn't be impossible for such a thing to have lingered in his mind. ]
[ "Plan" is a generous term for it... And the sheepish look on Dokja's face says as much.
He slouches against the couch, leaning his head on the cushion and keeping his gaze averted as he fiddles with Eustace's hand, turning it this way and that. The prolonged silence that grows between them should be answer enough, and while much of this had been thought about, the actual method of carrying out the act is rather simple. ]
I was just going to go down to the Tree.
[ Take his sword with him, find a secluded area, make sure to avoid hitting his Shard in the process. ]
He slouches against the couch, leaning his head on the cushion and keeping his gaze averted as he fiddles with Eustace's hand, turning it this way and that. The prolonged silence that grows between them should be answer enough, and while much of this had been thought about, the actual method of carrying out the act is rather simple. ]
I was just going to go down to the Tree.
[ Take his sword with him, find a secluded area, make sure to avoid hitting his Shard in the process. ]
'Just go down to the Tree.'
[ He repeats the words slowly, eyes widening in disbelief, incredulous of how little of a plan there actually is contained in those few words. His annoyance, previously cooled, flares back up again, turning the set of his shoulders stiff once more. He knows he's the type to overplan, to have three plans and then a fourth backup plan waiting in the wings, but surely this is a new level of underplanning??
It's his turn to squeeze their fingers together, though this time it's less in reassurance and more in frustration. ]
And then what, try and rip out your Shard while you can't even think straight?
[ If that was Dokja's plan, it's a terrible one. Not that any of his own plans are that much better, but at least they don't involve pinning everything on a prayer. He grits his teeth. Lets out a short exhale. ]
I'll do it.
[ He repeats the words slowly, eyes widening in disbelief, incredulous of how little of a plan there actually is contained in those few words. His annoyance, previously cooled, flares back up again, turning the set of his shoulders stiff once more. He knows he's the type to overplan, to have three plans and then a fourth backup plan waiting in the wings, but surely this is a new level of underplanning??
It's his turn to squeeze their fingers together, though this time it's less in reassurance and more in frustration. ]
And then what, try and rip out your Shard while you can't even think straight?
[ If that was Dokja's plan, it's a terrible one. Not that any of his own plans are that much better, but at least they don't involve pinning everything on a prayer. He grits his teeth. Lets out a short exhale. ]
I'll do it.
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