[ —oh, he noticed. of course he did, it must be so obvious. because she already knows that she's hopeless, she tries not to put any effort in, since nobody will praise her for efforts alone when it just proves she's a failure. even if she pushes herself until she bleeds, it's her own fault for being a fuck-up. How can you be such an idiot? You can't even manage this much.

no matter how kindly or gently Dokja intervenes, Rudbeckia flinches. she doesn't yank her hand away from him, but there's a spasm, the instinct to recoil quashed before it can move her. ]

I'm sorry. [ the words leave her mouth instantly, without any need for conscious input. ] I-I know you showed me, I'm just—I'm really stupid, it must be so annoying...

[ she laughs again. this time, the staccato sound is high and tense, a violin string wound tight to the point of snapping. ]

I-I can do it, I swear, I'll get it right.