[ —oh, he noticed. of course he did, it must be so obvious. because she already knows that she's hopeless, she tries not to put any effort in, since nobody will praise her for efforts alone when it just proves she's a failure. even if she pushes herself until she bleeds, it's her own fault for being a fuck-up. How can you be such an idiot? You can't even manage this much.
no matter how kindly or gently Dokja intervenes, Rudbeckia flinches. she doesn't yank her hand away from him, but there's a spasm, the instinct to recoil quashed before it can move her. ]
I'm sorry. [ the words leave her mouth instantly, without any need for conscious input. ] I-I know you showed me, I'm just—I'm really stupid, it must be so annoying...
[ she laughs again. this time, the staccato sound is high and tense, a violin string wound tight to the point of snapping. ]
[ Even Dokja isn't so blind as to not notice the sudden shift in Ruby, and his eyes narrow in both suspicion and alarm at how she responds. He feels her flinch against his hand, and his first instinct is to loosen his hold should she want to draw back and away from him. But he, himself, doesn't let go just yet, and the concern from only moments ago rapidly builds itself up. ]
Hey, hold on a minute.
[ What an unnerving reaction, and one that Dokja unfortunately recognizes from years long past before the bitterness and anger had taken hold. He has no comfort to offer here, only an explanation that he hadn't thought he'd have to broach now or ever, but the sight of Ruby's discomfort brings it to the surface. ]
You're not stupid and this isn't your fault. I should have told you from the start that this might not work on me.
[ Thanks to his own recklessness and foolish actions. ]
[ it's almost difficult to hear Dokja over the sound of her own heartbeat thundering in her ears, but his calm and straightforward manner helps, keeps the words from being distorted by her fear into anything else. recognising that there is no threat to race ahead of, her mind slows down too, and she can actually think again.
what Dokja says is—effective. comfort wouldn't put Ruby at ease, and having her reaction questioned is always the worst, no matter how well-meaning. someone taking the responsibility on themself feels like they're removing a live bomb from her hands. in an effort to get her body to relax, she closes her eyes – she doesn't want to see judgement in Dokja's expression – takes a quick, sharp breath and then releases it in a slow exhale: huuu.
her eyes blink open, her face open and friendly as though nothing had happened. ]
Sorry. [ she smiles easily. ] Ahaha, how embarrassing. When I could feel that it didn't seem to be working, I thought I must have been doing something wrong.
[ Ugh. You're right, you should have just told me, you jerk! Then I wouldn't have been so scared! ]
Is there—something else I can do to help? I can't just make you do all this for me and not give you anything in return...
[ What a quick recovery, and one that Dokja notes for now. The concern has yet to clear from his gaze, but he moves along easily enough as the flow of conversation shifts to a different topic. It's not like he'd have anything useful to say anyway, and all he can do is keep an eye on her to make sure she really is okay. ]
Well...
[ He draws out the word as his eyes flicker over to the walls surrounding them, each one lined with shelves of books. He could lie and say that he doesn't need anything, that this current exchange between them is from the goodness of his heart (lmao), but he does have something in mind. ]
I recently took ownership of this book cafe, and we're set to reopen in the next month or so. While I know Springstar isn't your home, would it be too much to ask you to drop in and help whenever you're around?
[ It feels a bit shameless asking so blatantly like this, but he doesn't think it's too difficult a request! ]
[ there isn't anything in particular that she's expecting Dokja to ask. while he certainly doesn't seem like a Meridian zealot, it's not a turn she could pretend to be surprised by, him deciding to extract faction favours from her given the opportunity. with the amount of Discord he's purifying for her, he could demand a lot in repayment. Rudbeckia always has to brace herself for the worst — which is why it does come as a genuine surprise to hear what he wants in return. ]
... That's all?
[ it can't be kindness, surely. is he just indifferent to her? that would make the most sense; he's assessed that she doesn't have any real use to him or anything of worth to offer, so he's chosen something basic because it should be a task even someone like her can accomplish. that's fine. she can survive on indifference.
Ruby's wide-eyed, almost dazed expression shifts – her face brightens, chattering eagerly: ]
Yes – of course, I'd be happy to help out! Truthfully, the only other thing that occupies my time is my position as Set's high priestess, and I don't actually have that many duties... [ and she'll be back with Meridian soon enough, even if she still has no intention of setting down roots in Springstar. ] Without the, um, photophobia, I'll be able to come by Springstar a lot more often now, too! I don't know if I'll be a very good employee, but I'll try my best.
[ Wow, it's honestly kind of impressive how quickly Dokja's expression drops at the mention of Set. It's not that they've had too many run-ins with each other, which he purposefully keeps that way, it's just that the one significant interaction that they have had still leaves a bad taste in his mouth.
Kind of literally.]
Set's priestess?
[ Dokja at least tries to recover, though the good-natured look on his face from before looks more strained. While he's glad to hear her agree to his proposal, he's still left a little concerned what her connection to Set might entail in the future. It's good to be prepared, after all, and he still doesn't know Ruby all that well yet. Might as well take this time to do that, he supposes. ]
Sorry, I'm not too familiar with what that means. [ He figures it has to do with Set being an Egyptian god (bleh), but a priestess? ] Do you worship him?
[ the sudden shift doesn't surprise her, and so there's no reaction from Ruby, no flinch or crestfallen expression. from the moment she decided to live in Set's shadow, Ruby had known there would be situations like this, where she is stained in someone else's perception by her association with him. but she had also decided that it didn't matter. she isn't losing anything; no one was ever going to accept her in the first place. if she weren't willing to bear the hatred of others to survive, then she might as well just lie down and die.
at least Dokja is being nice about it. ]
Mm... Not really? [ she leans forward onto the table, chin propped up by her spare hand. there's a wide-eyed naivete about her, too innocent or too stupid to even consider the consequences of being involved with Set. ] It's more like, um... we made a deal. Set protects me, and I'm devoted to him. He promised me that I'll never have to take part in the war for as long as I'm his.
[ there's a pause, lingering on that particular statement, and then she laughs: ] In practise, I mostly just look after his shrine!
[ is that enough? she always finds herself wondering, when she speaks – is that sufficient character motivation? has she portrayed herself as too clever, too aware, too selfish? everyone already knows that she's a coward, but perhaps they'll begin to question why she chose Set, of all people. he would hardly seem a safe option. she'd ended up revealing the truth of it to Amos, and it had been awful. a revolting, repulsive, marrow-flayingly personal display.
so maybe she really should just fall back on the same old story. it won't be hard, pretending to be in love with Set. ]
And, you know... [ that hand she's leaning on twirls a lock of golden hair around one delicate finger, her long lashes lowered over her eyes, and her cheeks begin to bloom a fetching dusky pink. ] He's my saviour. I just really like him. I'm probably not a very good priestess, but he seemed happy, so...
[ It's a little bit interesting getting to hear about Set from someone else's perspective. While Dokja knows neither Ruby nor Set all that well, it's not hard to get the impression that they're people important to each other. He's quiet as he listens, no part of him trying to gleam more out of what he's being told, content to take it as it's presented to him.
There's a lot of things he doesn't like about Set, and underlying much of it has to do with the fact that Dokja hasn't had the greatest experiences with gods. He still dreams of it now, after all. The final battle, the stars collapsing from the skies, the lives lost that day. It's a bit foolish to hold those feelings against a man who had had nothing to do with the events back then, he knows this, but that's the way the pieces have fallen together.
So while his initial reaction had been sour, it eventually smooths into something more curious as Ruby explains their relationship.
... And then it becomes disbelieving when she finishes off her explanation. ]
Aha... Is that so? [ What can he do but awkwardly laugh in this situation?? It's not like he'll ever understand the innerworkings of a girl's mind and who she chooses to crush on. ] I'm glad you have someone keeping an eye on you, then. I wouldn't have expected it from a guy like him, but I guess he's just full of surprises.
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no subject
no matter how kindly or gently Dokja intervenes, Rudbeckia flinches. she doesn't yank her hand away from him, but there's a spasm, the instinct to recoil quashed before it can move her. ]
I'm sorry. [ the words leave her mouth instantly, without any need for conscious input. ] I-I know you showed me, I'm just—I'm really stupid, it must be so annoying...
[ she laughs again. this time, the staccato sound is high and tense, a violin string wound tight to the point of snapping. ]
I-I can do it, I swear, I'll get it right.
no subject
Hey, hold on a minute.
[ What an unnerving reaction, and one that Dokja unfortunately recognizes from years long past before the bitterness and anger had taken hold. He has no comfort to offer here, only an explanation that he hadn't thought he'd have to broach now or ever, but the sight of Ruby's discomfort brings it to the surface. ]
You're not stupid and this isn't your fault. I should have told you from the start that this might not work on me.
[ Thanks to his own recklessness and foolish actions. ]
no subject
[ it's almost difficult to hear Dokja over the sound of her own heartbeat thundering in her ears, but his calm and straightforward manner helps, keeps the words from being distorted by her fear into anything else. recognising that there is no threat to race ahead of, her mind slows down too, and she can actually think again.
what Dokja says is—effective. comfort wouldn't put Ruby at ease, and having her reaction questioned is always the worst, no matter how well-meaning. someone taking the responsibility on themself feels like they're removing a live bomb from her hands. in an effort to get her body to relax, she closes her eyes – she doesn't want to see judgement in Dokja's expression – takes a quick, sharp breath and then releases it in a slow exhale: huuu.
her eyes blink open, her face open and friendly as though nothing had happened. ]
Sorry. [ she smiles easily. ] Ahaha, how embarrassing. When I could feel that it didn't seem to be working, I thought I must have been doing something wrong.
[ Ugh. You're right, you should have just told me, you jerk! Then I wouldn't have been so scared! ]
Is there—something else I can do to help? I can't just make you do all this for me and not give you anything in return...
no subject
Well...
[ He draws out the word as his eyes flicker over to the walls surrounding them, each one lined with shelves of books. He could lie and say that he doesn't need anything, that this current exchange between them is from the goodness of his heart (lmao), but he does have something in mind. ]
I recently took ownership of this book cafe, and we're set to reopen in the next month or so. While I know Springstar isn't your home, would it be too much to ask you to drop in and help whenever you're around?
[ It feels a bit shameless asking so blatantly like this, but he doesn't think it's too difficult a request! ]
no subject
... That's all?
[ it can't be kindness, surely. is he just indifferent to her? that would make the most sense; he's assessed that she doesn't have any real use to him or anything of worth to offer, so he's chosen something basic because it should be a task even someone like her can accomplish. that's fine. she can survive on indifference.
Ruby's wide-eyed, almost dazed expression shifts – her face brightens, chattering eagerly: ]
Yes – of course, I'd be happy to help out! Truthfully, the only other thing that occupies my time is my position as Set's high priestess, and I don't actually have that many duties... [ and she'll be back with Meridian soon enough, even if she still has no intention of setting down roots in Springstar. ] Without the, um, photophobia, I'll be able to come by Springstar a lot more often now, too! I don't know if I'll be a very good employee, but I'll try my best.
no subject
Kind of literally.]
Set's priestess?
[ Dokja at least tries to recover, though the good-natured look on his face from before looks more strained. While he's glad to hear her agree to his proposal, he's still left a little concerned what her connection to Set might entail in the future. It's good to be prepared, after all, and he still doesn't know Ruby all that well yet. Might as well take this time to do that, he supposes. ]
Sorry, I'm not too familiar with what that means. [ He figures it has to do with Set being an Egyptian god (bleh), but a priestess? ] Do you worship him?
no subject
at least Dokja is being nice about it. ]
Mm... Not really? [ she leans forward onto the table, chin propped up by her spare hand. there's a wide-eyed naivete about her, too innocent or too stupid to even consider the consequences of being involved with Set. ] It's more like, um... we made a deal. Set protects me, and I'm devoted to him. He promised me that I'll never have to take part in the war for as long as I'm his.
[ there's a pause, lingering on that particular statement, and then she laughs: ] In practise, I mostly just look after his shrine!
[ is that enough? she always finds herself wondering, when she speaks – is that sufficient character motivation? has she portrayed herself as too clever, too aware, too selfish? everyone already knows that she's a coward, but perhaps they'll begin to question why she chose Set, of all people. he would hardly seem a safe option. she'd ended up revealing the truth of it to Amos, and it had been awful. a revolting, repulsive, marrow-flayingly personal display.
so maybe she really should just fall back on the same old story. it won't be hard, pretending to be in love with Set. ]
And, you know... [ that hand she's leaning on twirls a lock of golden hair around one delicate finger, her long lashes lowered over her eyes, and her cheeks begin to bloom a fetching dusky pink. ] He's my saviour. I just really like him. I'm probably not a very good priestess, but he seemed happy, so...
no subject
There's a lot of things he doesn't like about Set, and underlying much of it has to do with the fact that Dokja hasn't had the greatest experiences with gods. He still dreams of it now, after all. The final battle, the stars collapsing from the skies, the lives lost that day. It's a bit foolish to hold those feelings against a man who had had nothing to do with the events back then, he knows this, but that's the way the pieces have fallen together.
So while his initial reaction had been sour, it eventually smooths into something more curious as Ruby explains their relationship.
... And then it becomes disbelieving when she finishes off her explanation. ]
Aha... Is that so? [ What can he do but awkwardly laugh in this situation?? It's not like he'll ever understand the innerworkings of a girl's mind and who she chooses to crush on. ] I'm glad you have someone keeping an eye on you, then. I wouldn't have expected it from a guy like him, but I guess he's just full of surprises.