[ The answer is instantaneous and said in such a firm way that it could border on the truth...
If not for the way Dokja's emotions spike in alarm and embarrassment as his memories overtake him, crossing the thin barrier between their Communion to share itself with Eustace. After certain events, Dokja's found that he isn't able to control his memories and what he chooses to show, so that's biting him in the ass now as Eustace gets to catch a up close and personal view of their accidental "kiss."
... Wait a minute. Why is this even being asked? Does Eustace have amnesia?? ]
That actually was a very convincing answer, and would have been enough if that unfortunate torrent of emotions (and singular memory) hadn't followed right after. It's just a kiss, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, and yet in the midst of all the alarm and shame he suddenly finds he has a hard time picking out which emotions are his and which belong to Dokja. Was it always this bad, the complete lack of boundary between him and the other person?
More importantly, are his cheeks actually starting to feel a little warm? Awful. The conflicting emotions, along with his already frayed patience from having to suffer through Mordred's feelings all the damn time, make him more volatile than usual. ]
Why are you lying to me? Did something else happen afterwards?
Dokja's panic grows when he feels Eustace's emotions like they're his own. He hates that he has no control over his memories through this stupid Communion and he hates that this new world has somehow placed them in the same... Legacy? Is it even called that now? Whatever it is, it complicates everything, and Dokja who normally doesn't have much control over his feelings is having the worst time of it as he desperately tries to smother the embarrassment still lancing through their connection.
Damn, he misses the Fourth Wall so much. ]
Nothing else happened! It was an accident.
[ Here's the REAL question. ]
Why are you asking? You were there... You should know this.
Every new detail he hears makes his image of this mystery kiss even more blurred in his mind. He's pretty sure he wouldn't kiss Dokja under any normal circumstance (maybe??) but everything is up in the air right now, Dokja's own agitation only serving to fuel his own. ]
I wasn't.
[ It should have been a firm declaration, because he's positive he has no memory of anything like this ever happening, but if two people now are affirming that this happened, then it had to have happened right? His voice lacks its usual confidence, turned quiet by how unfamiliar everything has been this past week. Bad enough to be forced to start all over, but now to be told that he doesn't even have all the memories he should have?
Every day it feels like his control of his own life is slipping further and further away from him. ]
At least not that I remember. I don't....I don't remember what I should.
[ There's shock from Dokja's end, but concern as well. He runs through the list of people that he's come across since arriving to this new world and he hadn't found any discrepancies in their memories, so to hear that Eustace is suffering from some sort of amnesia is worrying.
He hesitates for a moment as he wonders how far back this memory loss extends. If the accidental kiss is missing, then the night they'd spent drinking with Gen and Ernesto would be gone as well. But thinking back on their earlier meeting, they'd flippantly remarked on their past encounters so it's not like this amnesia goes too far back... ]
That's okay, [ he says, trying for reassuring. ] It could be that you're still disoriented from swapping over to this place. You might regain your memories after settling in.
[ Temporary memory loss is a common trope in the stories Dokja's read. But a vaguely uncomfortable understanding crawls across their Communion as well. Who'd know better than Dokja about losing their memories? ]
I can fill you in on some things that happened since then. If you want.
[ If only he could have forgotten all of his meetings with Dokja....
Just kidding, that would be too cruel. For all that they bicker, Eustace doesn't actually hate the man. There are worse people on this planet by far than Dokja, and people he trusts less to fill in the blanks for him. (When had they reached this state of hesitant trust? He doesn't remember.)
The reassurance, while appreciated, does little to quell the anxiety that still swirls inside him, and the offer to recount his apparently missing (?) memories gets put on hold for the time being, Eustace opting instead to ask a question of his own. ]
Are you speaking from experience? About getting memories back?
[ He doesn't read enough fiction to know that this is a common enough trope in stories. ]
[ The vagueness slips away into outright discomfort as soon as the question is asked, and Dokja shies away immediately. There had only been one person that he'd confessed to about the state of his halved memories, and that had been in a vulnerable moment where he'd regretted it as soon as he'd spoken his truth out loud.
Eustace must feel it, too. The grief, the regret, the heaviness of his heart. Rather than answering with words, he allows his poor hold on his emotions to respond for him. There's no stopping it, after all. They share a connection that they hadn't before. ]
It's different with me.
[ He'd willingly given them up, and he wouldn't know what it is he's missing if not for his companions arriving in this place and discussing things that Dokja no longer remembers. It becomes more painful that way, the constant reminders of what he used to be and what he no longer is. ]
[ You know, somehow he didn't expect to get a genuine answer to his question and it leaves him suddenly sober, a flicker of his surprise peeping through their Aspect bond. He thought he'd gotten a glimpse of the genuine Dokja that night in Godsblood, normally concealed by a flippant smile and easy words, but it's painfully clear to him now that there's even more than the little he'd learned that night.
What, exactly, has this man been through? ]
I'm sorry.
[ It's all he can offer right now, paltry though it is. To lose half of one's memories permanently, with no chance to ever recover them... Maybe it wouldn't so bad if he had no memory of ever losing them, but as things stand now, Eustace can't say he's particularly envious of Dokja. ]
If you wouldn't mind filling me in, I'd appreciate it.
[ And then Dokja can have a favor to hold over Eustace's head for the next forever. ]
[ The creep of unease spikes at the unexpected apology, and Dokja hastily waves it aside. He hadn't meant to garner sympathy with his words, hates that it's come to that, but a small part of him appreciates it nonetheless. Openly talking about his memory loss is still a step he has yet to take, but to mention it briefly like this... should count as progress.
For now, he latches on to the topic of what Eustace no longer remembers in an effort to pass over the former delicate subject into... another delicate subject? It's here that Dokja realizes he has to break Eustace's death to him. ]
Well, you left the Kenoma for one. Do you remember that part?
[ Imagine getting told you died by a guy whose Shard you had to rescue post-death. Weird how the world works.
Mercifully, Dokja gets off without any further questioning or probing, the discomfort that radiates across their bond going noticed but uncommented on. Simple Communion before had been bad enough; this unwanted projection of both their feelings, amplified twice over, leaves him more on edge than usual. The less he has to accidentally invade the other man's privacy, the better. ]
I don't. [ Although, if he thinks about it.... ] I can't say I'm that surprised.
[ Things were getting a little dicey towards the end there. ]
[ Okay, now he's got a rough idea of where to start, and what topic to dance around. He hasn't seen either Abel or Himeka since arriving to this new world, and he's not sure if he wants to mention them with how heavily their absence weighs on his heart. Again, an emotion that he loses control of as it makes itself known to the both of them. An emptiness, a worried ache.
He doesn't bother to rein this one back in. ]
Yeah, well. You ended up helping the Pleroma so that we could infiltrate Achamoth and get our friends out safely.
[ There's a fondness to his voice now. He may not know where Eustace currently stands, but at least he knows that the man is capable of doing the right thing when it counts. But it's the next part that has him hesitating, the warmth to his tone growing somber. ]
[ He feels that ache, accepts it and lets it pass without comment yet again. They've all lost people, places, in the transition from home to there to here and both of them carry enough scars still healing to do without more prodding and poking at those sensitive spots.
If Dokja wants to talk about it in the future, then Eustace will listen. For now, they can keep things strictly to business.
The mention of casualties, as sobering as it is, also isn't surprising. The situation had escalated beyond just tense; the risk of grievous injury was always something present in the back of his mind. But if Dokja's bringing it up now, then there must be some significance to the casualties. He frowns deeper. ]
[ A good deal many, but only two that stand out for Dokja. He doesn't like to think back on that day, the sight of Yoo Joonghyuk's sword plunging through Han Sooyoung and how absolutely useless he'd felt at the time. The panicked desperation to keep her shard protected and close, the haste to return it to a shrine, the days he'd spent huddled there on the cavern floor with every what if possible running through his mind.
He wonders if it had been the same for Eustace's rescuers.
There's a slow inhale, then exhale, on his end, an attempt to compose himself before he finally answers with what he hopes is a steady tone, despite his emotions still rocking the link between them. ]
You were one of them.
[ Dokja clearly remembers the stinging shock when he'd been handed Eustace's gun, but no Eustace in sight. He'd done his best to compartmentalize his feelings back then, prioritizing what he needed to prioritize, but it had been hard. ]
I don't know the details surrounding your death. You being the cagey bastard that you are kept that quiet after you revived.
[ It shouldn't be surprising that he'd gone off and gotten himself killed - war is war, after all, and the buildup towards such a thing hadn't exactly been subtle - but a small blip of surprise flickers across the connection anyway. It's one thing to accept the inevitability of death but another thing to have it actually happen.
He wonders how it'd happened. If he hadn't been strong enough or if he hadn't put enough effort into his continued training. Not that he'll ever know now, his own memory of the incident entirely erased. Sounds like him alright, keeping all his secrets close to his chest and never telling anyone until there'd been need for it. Except it sounds like this time he'd never found a good reason to tell anyone about his death, leaving both him and everyone else in the dark as to the exact details.
Though, if Dokja knows that it happened but doesn't know the details... ]
[ A small blip of surprise, huh. Even that reaction feels so incredibly on brand for Eustace, and maybe eliciting such a mild emotional response helps ease some of Dokja's earlier discomfort. Freaking stoics, man... There's a reason they're some of his favorite people. ]
I ran into someone who had your gun. I tried to reach you to return it, but when I wasn't getting any responses, I figured out what happened.
[ This time, there's something more relaxed and easy-going about his tone and his emotions, like he's thinking back to that time.
And also cooking up a lie. ]
When you came back, we met up and I gave you your gun back. You were really thankful, by the way. Tears in your eyes and everything.
[ When will Dokja stop gaslighting him like this...
If he had framed it any other way, or perhaps toned it down just a smudge, Eustace might have believed him. It's not as though he has anything to go off other than his own past experiences, and even those have become less reliable when faced with the pressure Horos (and the Regent) had placed on him.
But to say he had tears in his eyes? C'mon now. ]
I'm sure.
[ His tone is as dry as the deserts around Mephorash, or whatever passes for one in these parts. It doesn't last very long though, his usual gravity returning to the situation. ]
Thanks, though. For returning it.
[ Even if he probably said that at the time (just without the tears). ]
[ Look, he would have tried to make up an actual believable lie if he cared about that sort of thing, but right now, he just wants to lighten the heavy mood that's settled between them. Dokja's not so good with Emotions, especially these days with all of his feelings heightened to degrees he wishes he wasn't capable of, so he'd love to pass right over this.
Too bad it lasts about a second before the atmosphere returns to something a little more gloomy. ]
Yeah, don't lose it a second time, okay?
[ What he actually means to tell Eustace is to not die a second time, but it's heavily implied. ]
[ RE: both losing the gun as well as losing his life, even if he can't promise such a thing will never happen, because sometimes life just Happens. But maybe Dokja knows that as well as anyone.
There's probably more he could ask about everything that's happened, but he feels like he's imposed on Dokja enough already—especially if Dokja had gone to all the effort of grabbing his gun and returning it to him. Tch. Looks like he's going to have to owe the man another favor.
But later. Dokja can go back to reading terrible fanfic for the moment. ]
Don't get into too much trouble in the meantime either.
Okay, it's a little bad, but when has he ever sought after quality? Anyway, he swings this back to lighthearted amusement now that he's sensing their conversation is coming to an end. ]
Me? Getting into trouble? That doesn't sound like something I'd do.
[ Such bullshit words from a major bullshitter, considering every time he's said something along these lines, he's immediately gotten himself into trouble. Still, he's been managing to keep his head down kind of successfully so far, not as willing to lash out when eyes that know him are now here. ]
I'll see you around, Eustace.
[ And without waiting for a reply, Dokja ends the Communion. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ The answer is instantaneous and said in such a firm way that it could border on the truth...
If not for the way Dokja's emotions spike in alarm and embarrassment as his memories overtake him, crossing the thin barrier between their Communion to share itself with Eustace. After certain events, Dokja's found that he isn't able to control his memories and what he chooses to show, so that's biting him in the ass now as Eustace gets to catch a up close and personal view of their accidental "kiss."
... Wait a minute. Why is this even being asked? Does Eustace have amnesia?? ]
no subject
That actually was a very convincing answer, and would have been enough if that unfortunate torrent of emotions (and singular memory) hadn't followed right after. It's just a kiss, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, and yet in the midst of all the alarm and shame he suddenly finds he has a hard time picking out which emotions are his and which belong to Dokja. Was it always this bad, the complete lack of boundary between him and the other person?
More importantly, are his cheeks actually starting to feel a little warm? Awful. The conflicting emotions, along with his already frayed patience from having to suffer through Mordred's feelings all the damn time, make him more volatile than usual. ]
Why are you lying to me? Did something else happen afterwards?
[ Did they sleep together too?? ]
no subject
Dokja's panic grows when he feels Eustace's emotions like they're his own. He hates that he has no control over his memories through this stupid Communion and he hates that this new world has somehow placed them in the same... Legacy? Is it even called that now? Whatever it is, it complicates everything, and Dokja who normally doesn't have much control over his feelings is having the worst time of it as he desperately tries to smother the embarrassment still lancing through their connection.
Damn, he misses the Fourth Wall so much. ]
Nothing else happened! It was an accident.
[ Here's the REAL question. ]
Why are you asking? You were there... You should know this.
no subject
Every new detail he hears makes his image of this mystery kiss even more blurred in his mind. He's pretty sure he wouldn't kiss Dokja under any normal circumstance (maybe??) but everything is up in the air right now, Dokja's own agitation only serving to fuel his own. ]
I wasn't.
[ It should have been a firm declaration, because he's positive he has no memory of anything like this ever happening, but if two people now are affirming that this happened, then it had to have happened right? His voice lacks its usual confidence, turned quiet by how unfamiliar everything has been this past week. Bad enough to be forced to start all over, but now to be told that he doesn't even have all the memories he should have?
Every day it feels like his control of his own life is slipping further and further away from him. ]
At least not that I remember. I don't....I don't remember what I should.
no subject
He hesitates for a moment as he wonders how far back this memory loss extends. If the accidental kiss is missing, then the night they'd spent drinking with Gen and Ernesto would be gone as well. But thinking back on their earlier meeting, they'd flippantly remarked on their past encounters so it's not like this amnesia goes too far back... ]
That's okay, [ he says, trying for reassuring. ] It could be that you're still disoriented from swapping over to this place. You might regain your memories after settling in.
[ Temporary memory loss is a common trope in the stories Dokja's read. But a vaguely uncomfortable understanding crawls across their Communion as well. Who'd know better than Dokja about losing their memories? ]
I can fill you in on some things that happened since then. If you want.
no subject
Just kidding, that would be too cruel. For all that they bicker, Eustace doesn't actually hate the man. There are worse people on this planet by far than Dokja, and people he trusts less to fill in the blanks for him. (When had they reached this state of hesitant trust? He doesn't remember.)
The reassurance, while appreciated, does little to quell the anxiety that still swirls inside him, and the offer to recount his apparently missing (?) memories gets put on hold for the time being, Eustace opting instead to ask a question of his own. ]
Are you speaking from experience? About getting memories back?
[ He doesn't read enough fiction to know that this is a common enough trope in stories. ]
no subject
Eustace must feel it, too. The grief, the regret, the heaviness of his heart. Rather than answering with words, he allows his poor hold on his emotions to respond for him. There's no stopping it, after all. They share a connection that they hadn't before. ]
It's different with me.
[ He'd willingly given them up, and he wouldn't know what it is he's missing if not for his companions arriving in this place and discussing things that Dokja no longer remembers. It becomes more painful that way, the constant reminders of what he used to be and what he no longer is. ]
Mine won't come back.
no subject
What, exactly, has this man been through? ]
I'm sorry.
[ It's all he can offer right now, paltry though it is. To lose half of one's memories permanently, with no chance to ever recover them... Maybe it wouldn't so bad if he had no memory of ever losing them, but as things stand now, Eustace can't say he's particularly envious of Dokja. ]
If you wouldn't mind filling me in, I'd appreciate it.
[ And then Dokja can have a favor to hold over Eustace's head for the next forever. ]
no subject
For now, he latches on to the topic of what Eustace no longer remembers in an effort to pass over the former delicate subject into... another delicate subject? It's here that Dokja realizes he has to break Eustace's death to him. ]
Well, you left the Kenoma for one. Do you remember that part?
[ Just to get a starting point. ]
no subject
Mercifully, Dokja gets off without any further questioning or probing, the discomfort that radiates across their bond going noticed but uncommented on. Simple Communion before had been bad enough; this unwanted projection of both their feelings, amplified twice over, leaves him more on edge than usual. The less he has to accidentally invade the other man's privacy, the better. ]
I don't. [ Although, if he thinks about it.... ] I can't say I'm that surprised.
[ Things were getting a little dicey towards the end there. ]
no subject
He doesn't bother to rein this one back in. ]
Yeah, well. You ended up helping the Pleroma so that we could infiltrate Achamoth and get our friends out safely.
[ There's a fondness to his voice now. He may not know where Eustace currently stands, but at least he knows that the man is capable of doing the right thing when it counts. But it's the next part that has him hesitating, the warmth to his tone growing somber. ]
... We had some casualties along the way.
no subject
If Dokja wants to talk about it in the future, then Eustace will listen. For now, they can keep things strictly to business.
The mention of casualties, as sobering as it is, also isn't surprising. The situation had escalated beyond just tense; the risk of grievous injury was always something present in the back of his mind. But if Dokja's bringing it up now, then there must be some significance to the casualties. He frowns deeper. ]
Who?
[ Or should he be asking how many.... ]
no subject
He wonders if it had been the same for Eustace's rescuers.
There's a slow inhale, then exhale, on his end, an attempt to compose himself before he finally answers with what he hopes is a steady tone, despite his emotions still rocking the link between them. ]
You were one of them.
[ Dokja clearly remembers the stinging shock when he'd been handed Eustace's gun, but no Eustace in sight. He'd done his best to compartmentalize his feelings back then, prioritizing what he needed to prioritize, but it had been hard. ]
I don't know the details surrounding your death. You being the cagey bastard that you are kept that quiet after you revived.
no subject
He wonders how it'd happened. If he hadn't been strong enough or if he hadn't put enough effort into his continued training. Not that he'll ever know now, his own memory of the incident entirely erased. Sounds like him alright, keeping all his secrets close to his chest and never telling anyone until there'd been need for it. Except it sounds like this time he'd never found a good reason to tell anyone about his death, leaving both him and everyone else in the dark as to the exact details.
Though, if Dokja knows that it happened but doesn't know the details... ]
How did you find out then? If you weren't there.
no subject
I ran into someone who had your gun. I tried to reach you to return it, but when I wasn't getting any responses, I figured out what happened.
[ This time, there's something more relaxed and easy-going about his tone and his emotions, like he's thinking back to that time.
And also cooking up a lie. ]
When you came back, we met up and I gave you your gun back. You were really thankful, by the way. Tears in your eyes and everything.
no subject
If he had framed it any other way, or perhaps toned it down just a smudge, Eustace might have believed him. It's not as though he has anything to go off other than his own past experiences, and even those have become less reliable when faced with the pressure Horos (and the Regent) had placed on him.
But to say he had tears in his eyes? C'mon now. ]
I'm sure.
[ His tone is as dry as the deserts around Mephorash, or whatever passes for one in these parts. It doesn't last very long though, his usual gravity returning to the situation. ]
Thanks, though. For returning it.
[ Even if he probably said that at the time (just without the tears). ]
no subject
Too bad it lasts about a second before the atmosphere returns to something a little more gloomy. ]
Yeah, don't lose it a second time, okay?
[ What he actually means to tell Eustace is to not die a second time, but it's heavily implied. ]
no subject
[ RE: both losing the gun as well as losing his life, even if he can't promise such a thing will never happen, because sometimes life just Happens. But maybe Dokja knows that as well as anyone.
There's probably more he could ask about everything that's happened, but he feels like he's imposed on Dokja enough already—especially if Dokja had gone to all the effort of grabbing his gun and returning it to him. Tch. Looks like he's going to have to owe the man another favor.
But later. Dokja can go back to reading terrible fanfic for the moment. ]
Don't get into too much trouble in the meantime either.
[ Though maybe that's an impossible ask. ]
no subject
Okay, it's a little bad, but when has he ever sought after quality? Anyway, he swings this back to lighthearted amusement now that he's sensing their conversation is coming to an end. ]
Me? Getting into trouble? That doesn't sound like something I'd do.
[ Such bullshit words from a major bullshitter, considering every time he's said something along these lines, he's immediately gotten himself into trouble. Still, he's been managing to keep his head down kind of successfully so far, not as willing to lash out when eyes that know him are now here. ]
I'll see you around, Eustace.
[ And without waiting for a reply, Dokja ends the Communion. ]