[ ........How many (and what kind of) bad days has this man had that a makeout on the beach is considered one of his better days? (Don't answer that, he knows a sliver of the story.)
Also, should he be flattered by that??
The silence between them gets batted back and forth, Eustace taking his own sweet time before letting out a sigh. He's never been good at this sort of thing, talking about feelings. ]
Then there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
[ He (mentally) feels you, Dokja. ]
I don't regret it.
[ Shocking, considering how much else he does regret. ]
[ Nothing to be embarrassed about... Easier said than done. It feels like every time Dokja closes his eyes he just ends up thinking about that damn kiss.
What the hell........ It's not like he's some sort of hormonal teenager.
And why does Eustace have to go and say he doesn't regret it either!?! Does that mean Dokja was an okay kisser... Do they continue talking about this or should he change the subject?? Would it be weird to acknowledge that last part at all...?
The overthinking is on hyperdrive. ]
Ha... ha. That's good.
[ AAAA THAT WAS SO AWKWARD. He scrambles to move on. ]
Han Sooyoung didn't ask you to check on me again, did she?
[ Han Sooyoung is about to earn herself a place on Eustace's block list but neither of them know that yet.
For now, Eustace is amiable enough to moving the conversation along, also not a fan of lingering on whatever one-sided awkwardness was going on back there. Presumably the matter is settled and now they can both never bring it up again. ]
No. I'm not her dog.
[ Please. ]
Do I need a reason to talk to you?
[ Y...........es, actually, considering that he hates talking to people just for fun on a normal day. ]
[ Here is some genuine confusion from Dokja's end. ]
I... Yes?
[ That's why everyone talks to him? Who talks to Kim Dokja just because they want to?? If someone's contacting him, it's usually because they need something from him or because he's done a terrible thing. ]
[ Maybe Kim Dokja should try doing fewer terrible things.
His confusion sparks Eustace's confusion, because he's pretty sure he just said why he was here? To talk?? People do that on a regular basis still, right. Not him, necessarily, but other people.
Well, if Dokja wants a reason then Eustace will (not) give him a reason. ]
Should I not be here then?
[ He can hang up the (Communion) phone, he's done it plenty of times before. ]
Now they're both confused and Dokja is trying to do mental gymnastics to make sense out of this. Is Eustace bored? Does he not have anything better to do at this moment? Their encounter on the beach probably left Dokja fresh on his mind, so that's probably what this is about.
Yeah... That's it.
Well, if Eustace has time to kill, then Dokja will supply. ]
Hey, what are you being so hasty for? I was just asking a question. [ Stunning recovery. ] What did you want to talk about?
[ In a way this is comforting, the absence of pollen and holiday good cheer returning them both back to their usual bickering selves. He knows how to deal with this, as opposed to the strange positive feelings that occasionally wind themselves around his heart whenever he has the misfortune to be reminded of Dokja.
He's pretty sure he's never thought a positive thing about Dokja before this? Weird.
Once again, thinking about this is making him decidedly uncomfortable and so he decides to shove those thoughts away and focus on something he has more of a footing in. ]
[ Falling back into familiar territory is a godsend for Dokja. He's decidedly less anxious now, the waters of their Communion smoothing out as careful consideration raises itself at the question.
They haven't talked much about this world, but it's about time they do. ]
That's right.
[ He's unwavering in this regard. While he still doesn't know enough about Meridian, there's enough outside influences that tether him here. ]
[ He's so tired of picking sides and being used as a pawn in some greater war beyond his understanding. If he could simply walk into the woods never to return, then that would be the ideal choice for him. But unfortunately there are people here he cares about, people whose well-being he will always cherish above his own, and it's for them that he's forced to grit his teeth and keep moving forward.
There's a vague feeling of fatigue that colors his words, but he's quick to move on before it can linger too long. ]
[ There's a hint of amusement coming from Dokja because damn, he knows another stubborn bastard who feels the same.
As for Cyrus... He doesn't even have to think about this question before he answers it. ]
Not really.
[ His tone is oddly casual for admitting to not liking someone, but there's no way in hell Dokja trusts the guy which means he doesn't like him either. ]
But it's not so bad, you know... Using the resources in front of you.
[ Saving the world or starting anew... It's a little too black and white for Dokja's tastes, but the story of two opposing sides has always been a classic. ]
And to do that, we should drive our situation forward, don't you think?
Normally he would be instantly dismissive, because God and fate and greater powers are things he simply doesn't believe in, but after getting tossed around to not one but two different worlds, he's starting to rethink what he believes in.
Also, sometimes you shove your tongue down a man's throat and you become 1% more amenable to listening to what he has to say. ]
You say that like it's something you've experienced before.
[ Something uncomfortable ripples through their connection, like a quick, brief flip of pages before a sudden shut of a metaphorical book closes off that emotion and replaces it with a forced casualness. ]
I'm just saying that staying stagnant in a moving world could hinder progress.
[ This feels like a familiar conversation... Too bad his halved memory won't allow him to place it. ]
I wouldn't want to see you fall behind. That's all.
[ There's still something irksome about the way Dokja so casually moves forward despite that blip of discomfort. It's always like that with him, but Eustace finds it all the more frustrating now after (over) six months of knowing him, and having gotten a glimpse of the man underneath all those layers of isolation. ]
Should you really be worrying about me? [ How many times has he said this? How many times is he going to say it again? ] What about yourself? Are you also moving forward?
[ This man who pushes everyone away and keeps a closed lid on his emotions. Who worries others enough that they have to seek third parties for reassurance. Is he really that much better? ]
[ Okay, well. Dokja didn't think this conversation would round on him. There's a growing unease that wells up inside of him as he gingerly tries to maintain the line crossed on the ground between them. ]
I'm doing what I can.
[ He joined the Meridian, didn't he? For the longest time, he'd felt so lost and directionless, but the arrival of Sooyoung and Joonghyuk has prompted him back on his feet in order to safely shuttle those two back home. Away from him. ]
I guess it's up to you if you want to help or hinder me.
[ Dokja speaks but Eustace only partly listens, too busy trying to cross the line Dokja tries carefully to maintain. ]
Do you even need my help? Don't you have Han Sooyoung for that?
[ The namedrop is purposeful this time, his tone almost challenging.
Han Sooyoung and the clear concern he'd felt from her, even if she'd immediately tried to pack up and feign indifference. The fact that she'd felt the need to confide in him, a third party she barely even knew. He thinks too of the brief sputter in Dokja's good cheer when they'd mentioned her on the beach, a despondency that doesn't slot into any normal definition of friendship.
It'd never been his business to nose into, but now that he's found himself accidentally caught up in it he's not about to let go so easily. ]
Why do you keep pushing her away?
[ Because that's obviously what he's doing, isn't it? (Maybe not, but he sure isn't going to find out by sitting around and saying nothing.) ]
[ Here's a familiar spike of anxiety, a sickening lurch in the pit of his stomach, and for a moment, the Communion's strength seems to weaken like Dokja is one panicked second away from severing it outright. He struggles to regain control, and it's a bit touch and go on whether or not he'll respond to the question.
There's no use denying it. He knows it himself that he's been doing everything he can to keep both her and Joonghyuk from getting too close. He's dodged their questions, avoided their looks, and postponed the talks he's promised them.
And now Eustace is getting involved?
He steels his heart, a coldness creeping up to it in order to brace for what he's about to say. It won't sit right with him, this much he knows, but Dokja has always built his walls even with the closest of companions. Eustace is no exception to that... is what he chooses to convince himself wth. ]
... Stay out of it. That's none of your business.
[ It hurts the way it always does. The slapping away of a hand reaching out in an attempt to help, to understand, to learn. But Dokja doesn't fold, only meets Eustace's challenging tone with his own frigid response as he forces down the part of him that desperately protests. ]
[ This is familiar, easy territory for him, them sniping back and forth like a pair of children both unwilling to let go of a favorite toy. People telling him to fuck off? Yeah, that's familiar too, and he doesn't bat a single eyelash as he keeps barreling forward. ]
You made it my business.
[ Or rather Sooyoung did, but right now they're one and the same, Eustace not bothering to differentiate when the root problem remains the same. Sure, he could fuck off right now and keep his nose out of things, but how much longer will it be before he stumbles across Han Sooyoung again and she complains about Dokja again, real worry in her eyes despite how much she proclaims she doesn't care?
And for all that his actions seem to imply the opposite, he cares too, the faint memory of their time on the beach still lingering in his heart. ]
You asked if I would help, earlier. Would you have actually let me? Or would you have pushed me away as well?
[ Kept him at arms-length while treating him as some sort of mindless pack mule willing to do his bidding. ]
[ And still Eustace advances. Dokja hadn't prepared himself for this outcome, fully expecting their Communion to end so he could sulk in a dark place somewhere, but it keeps going?
Cornered like this, he feels his panic grow. His first instinct is to run, his second is to lash out, but he doesn't act upon either of those urges. Had the wall between them always been at such a height? He thinks if he cranes his neck, maybe even goes on the tip of his toes, he could look past the barrier to see Eustace working away at the surface on his side. And what has Dokja been doing but halfheartedly reinforcing his own side? Not out of any desire to, but because it's just what he does. What he's always done.
Eustace must feel it too, the way Dokja shrinks in on himself like a frightened, wounded animal. But past that is a small glimmer of something he dares not name as he struggles with his answer. ]
It's different.
[ Though he would never promise that it would stay different. Eventually the same fate Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk had had to face could have come barreling into Eustace, too. The thought causes dread to pull at his heart, the anxiety rising to catastrophic levels. ]
I... [ His voice falters and shakes. ] Because of me, they... And if you, too...
[ It finally tips over, the attack seizing him by the throat and tearing at his chest as the overwhelming emotions rip through their Communion. There's grief, hard and poorly dealt with, along with a deeply entrenched agony that's left scars on his very existence. But it's the guilt that outweighs everything else, crushing and suffocating in its intensity, an amount that no regular human being could ever hope to stand against. ]
[ That crashing wave of guilt catches him off-guard, his whole body tensing as if to withstand a physical attack and not simply an assault on his mind. He doesn't even realize his nails have curled so tightly into the flesh of his palms until he tastes the scent of blood in the air, faint and metallic.
This is none of his business, this violent soul-crushing guilt that surrounds him on all sides like a typhoon. He should have left ages ago, turned around and done what he does best - walk away without a second glance back. But he's already come this far, sunk his teeth deep in enough that letting go would be a monumental waste of time. Besides, what's he supposed to do? Leave Dokja there all alone, stranded in the middle of this raging ocean without a single life-preserver in sight?
They have their differences, sure, too many to count, and sometimes it seems like all they do is fight. But even despite that Dokja had stretched out his hand time and again without being asked, even though every logical reason in the world dictated he do the opposite. There's a deep debt between them that needs to be repaid, but beyond that is the burgeoning seed of respect, a like beginning to outweigh dislike that prompts him into trying to help, no matter how out of his element he is.
Even if that 'help' right now is aiming a knife directly at his heart and carving until every last drop of guilt and misery comes oozing out, like pus from an infected wound.
It's hard to hold his ground, the unfiltered agony feeding directly into his own worst insecurites and fears, but he grits his teeth all the same, channeling years of practice into keeping his emotions and tone stable. ]
If I....?
[ He can theorize all he wants, try and puzzle together the pieces he's painstakingly collected over the last half a year. But it won't mean anything if he doesn't hear it directly from Dokja. ]
[ This is the sort of wound that can't close or heal. It's festered and rotted after thousands upon thousands of years, spreading across every surface of his body until it becomes all of him. Kim Dokja will not permit himself to recover. This self-inflicted punishment is the retaliation that he deserves because no one else will give it to him.
... And he doesn't know if he can survive more than that.
It feels like the air's been pressed out of his lungs as his eyes sting and his throat burns. This isn't the sort of confrontation he wants to face, but he's worn down, made weak, and he feels his makeshift conviction collapse from within. ]
If you get hurt because of me, then I'll really be nothing more than a monster.
[ His voice comes out hoarse, small, afraid. Defeated. Dokja had tried... oh, how he had tried to maintain his distance when he'd first arrived to that world called Horos, convincing himself that he wouldn't grow close to anyone in fear of causing the usual destruction he leaves in his wake at every turn, but what had happened? Eventually, one person, then another, then even more than that had wiggled their way into a heart that had finally learned to love, and it had been so easy to turn his gaze away and tell himself it wasn't anything to grow concerned with.
But now, faced with the truth and reality of the situation, faced with one of the very few people he has left in this new world, the understanding that he could lose it all a second time because of him becomes too real. ]
[ i thought about making this a joke tag again just to see if you would finally kick me from your life but i will spare you this time
It's a short answer, and not that much of a suprising one, but it manages to slap him across the face all the same, prompting a disbelieving exhale that manages to rise above the torrential maelstrom of misery threatening to suck them both in. ]
Are you always this self-centered?
[ Don't actually answer that. ]
If anything happens it'll be because of my own actions, not because of you. [ As it always has been and always will be. ] I chose this path for myself. If I get hurt, if I die again, [ because he won't discount that possibility especially with the way he is now, unharmonized and powerless ] it'll be no one's fault but my own.
[ Not Dokja's, not whichever person on the opposing side threatening harm, not even Yima or Cyrus or whatever greater power had brought him here to this place. (Though he certainly isn't feeling particularly kind-hearted towards either of them at the moment.) For someone who's always been straining at the leash and allowed freedom only at the whims of someone else, to be told yet again that his fate might lie in someone else's hands, even tangentially, stings.
There's a curl of bitterness that wraps around him, turning his voice quiet and sharp. ]
Don't take that away from the people around you. Don't invalidate their choices by making it all about you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Also, should he be flattered by that??
The silence between them gets batted back and forth, Eustace taking his own sweet time before letting out a sigh. He's never been good at this sort of thing, talking about feelings. ]
Then there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
[ He (mentally) feels you, Dokja. ]
I don't regret it.
[ Shocking, considering how much else he does regret. ]
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What the hell........ It's not like he's some sort of hormonal teenager.
And why does Eustace have to go and say he doesn't regret it either!?! Does that mean Dokja was an okay kisser... Do they continue talking about this or should he change the subject?? Would it be weird to acknowledge that last part at all...?
The overthinking is on hyperdrive. ]
Ha... ha. That's good.
[ AAAA THAT WAS SO AWKWARD. He scrambles to move on. ]
Han Sooyoung didn't ask you to check on me again, did she?
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For now, Eustace is amiable enough to moving the conversation along, also not a fan of lingering on whatever one-sided awkwardness was going on back there. Presumably the matter is settled and now they can both never bring it up again. ]
No. I'm not her dog.
[ Please. ]
Do I need a reason to talk to you?
[ Y...........es, actually, considering that he hates talking to people just for fun on a normal day. ]
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I... Yes?
[ That's why everyone talks to him? Who talks to Kim Dokja just because they want to?? If someone's contacting him, it's usually because they need something from him or because he's done a terrible thing. ]
Why else would you be here?
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His confusion sparks Eustace's confusion, because he's pretty sure he just said why he was here? To talk?? People do that on a regular basis still, right. Not him, necessarily, but other people.
Well, if Dokja wants a reason then Eustace will (not) give him a reason. ]
Should I not be here then?
[ He can hang up the (Communion) phone, he's done it plenty of times before. ]
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Now they're both confused and Dokja is trying to do mental gymnastics to make sense out of this. Is Eustace bored? Does he not have anything better to do at this moment? Their encounter on the beach probably left Dokja fresh on his mind, so that's probably what this is about.
Yeah... That's it.
Well, if Eustace has time to kill, then Dokja will supply. ]
Hey, what are you being so hasty for? I was just asking a question. [ Stunning recovery. ] What did you want to talk about?
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He's pretty sure he's never thought a positive thing about Dokja before this? Weird.
Once again, thinking about this is making him decidedly uncomfortable and so he decides to shove those thoughts away and focus on something he has more of a footing in. ]
You're with the Meridian, yes?
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They haven't talked much about this world, but it's about time they do. ]
That's right.
[ He's unwavering in this regard. While he still doesn't know enough about Meridian, there's enough outside influences that tether him here. ]
Are you trying to choose a side?
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[ He's so tired of picking sides and being used as a pawn in some greater war beyond his understanding. If he could simply walk into the woods never to return, then that would be the ideal choice for him. But unfortunately there are people here he cares about, people whose well-being he will always cherish above his own, and it's for them that he's forced to grit his teeth and keep moving forward.
There's a vague feeling of fatigue that colors his words, but he's quick to move on before it can linger too long. ]
Do you like him? Cyrus.
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As for Cyrus... He doesn't even have to think about this question before he answers it. ]
Not really.
[ His tone is oddly casual for admitting to not liking someone, but there's no way in hell Dokja trusts the guy which means he doesn't like him either. ]
But it's not so bad, you know... Using the resources in front of you.
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Is that your sales pitch?
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[ He's mostly joking... And then a bit of a more serious response follows after. ]
I'm not looking to pressure you or anything, but sometimes we have to take part in the roles we're given to further the narrative.
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You say that as though everything's being controlled by some larger force.
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[ Saving the world or starting anew... It's a little too black and white for Dokja's tastes, but the story of two opposing sides has always been a classic. ]
And to do that, we should drive our situation forward, don't you think?
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Normally he would be instantly dismissive, because God and fate and greater powers are things he simply doesn't believe in, but after getting tossed around to not one but two different worlds, he's starting to rethink what he believes in.
Also, sometimes you shove your tongue down a man's throat and you become 1% more amenable to listening to what he has to say. ]
You say that like it's something you've experienced before.
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I'm just saying that staying stagnant in a moving world could hinder progress.
[ This feels like a familiar conversation... Too bad his halved memory won't allow him to place it. ]
I wouldn't want to see you fall behind. That's all.
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Should you really be worrying about me? [ How many times has he said this? How many times is he going to say it again? ] What about yourself? Are you also moving forward?
[ This man who pushes everyone away and keeps a closed lid on his emotions. Who worries others enough that they have to seek third parties for reassurance. Is he really that much better? ]
no subject
I'm doing what I can.
[ He joined the Meridian, didn't he? For the longest time, he'd felt so lost and directionless, but the arrival of Sooyoung and Joonghyuk has prompted him back on his feet in order to safely shuttle those two back home. Away from him. ]
I guess it's up to you if you want to help or hinder me.
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Do you even need my help? Don't you have Han Sooyoung for that?
[ The namedrop is purposeful this time, his tone almost challenging.
Han Sooyoung and the clear concern he'd felt from her, even if she'd immediately tried to pack up and feign indifference. The fact that she'd felt the need to confide in him, a third party she barely even knew. He thinks too of the brief sputter in Dokja's good cheer when they'd mentioned her on the beach, a despondency that doesn't slot into any normal definition of friendship.
It'd never been his business to nose into, but now that he's found himself accidentally caught up in it he's not about to let go so easily. ]
Why do you keep pushing her away?
[ Because that's obviously what he's doing, isn't it? (Maybe not, but he sure isn't going to find out by sitting around and saying nothing.) ]
no subject
There's no use denying it. He knows it himself that he's been doing everything he can to keep both her and Joonghyuk from getting too close. He's dodged their questions, avoided their looks, and postponed the talks he's promised them.
And now Eustace is getting involved?
He steels his heart, a coldness creeping up to it in order to brace for what he's about to say. It won't sit right with him, this much he knows, but Dokja has always built his walls even with the closest of companions. Eustace is no exception to that... is what he chooses to convince himself wth. ]
... Stay out of it. That's none of your business.
[ It hurts the way it always does. The slapping away of a hand reaching out in an attempt to help, to understand, to learn. But Dokja doesn't fold, only meets Eustace's challenging tone with his own frigid response as he forces down the part of him that desperately protests. ]
rubs my little fly hands together
You made it my business.
[ Or rather Sooyoung did, but right now they're one and the same, Eustace not bothering to differentiate when the root problem remains the same. Sure, he could fuck off right now and keep his nose out of things, but how much longer will it be before he stumbles across Han Sooyoung again and she complains about Dokja again, real worry in her eyes despite how much she proclaims she doesn't care?
And for all that his actions seem to imply the opposite, he cares too, the faint memory of their time on the beach still lingering in his heart. ]
You asked if I would help, earlier. Would you have actually let me? Or would you have pushed me away as well?
[ Kept him at arms-length while treating him as some sort of mindless pack mule willing to do his bidding. ]
no subject
Cornered like this, he feels his panic grow. His first instinct is to run, his second is to lash out, but he doesn't act upon either of those urges. Had the wall between them always been at such a height? He thinks if he cranes his neck, maybe even goes on the tip of his toes, he could look past the barrier to see Eustace working away at the surface on his side. And what has Dokja been doing but halfheartedly reinforcing his own side? Not out of any desire to, but because it's just what he does. What he's always done.
Eustace must feel it too, the way Dokja shrinks in on himself like a frightened, wounded animal. But past that is a small glimmer of something he dares not name as he struggles with his answer. ]
It's different.
[ Though he would never promise that it would stay different. Eventually the same fate Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk had had to face could have come barreling into Eustace, too. The thought causes dread to pull at his heart, the anxiety rising to catastrophic levels. ]
I... [ His voice falters and shakes. ] Because of me, they... And if you, too...
[ It finally tips over, the attack seizing him by the throat and tearing at his chest as the overwhelming emotions rip through their Communion. There's grief, hard and poorly dealt with, along with a deeply entrenched agony that's left scars on his very existence. But it's the guilt that outweighs everything else, crushing and suffocating in its intensity, an amount that no regular human being could ever hope to stand against. ]
no subject
This is none of his business, this violent soul-crushing guilt that surrounds him on all sides like a typhoon. He should have left ages ago, turned around and done what he does best - walk away without a second glance back. But he's already come this far, sunk his teeth deep in enough that letting go would be a monumental waste of time. Besides, what's he supposed to do? Leave Dokja there all alone, stranded in the middle of this raging ocean without a single life-preserver in sight?
They have their differences, sure, too many to count, and sometimes it seems like all they do is fight. But even despite that Dokja had stretched out his hand time and again without being asked, even though every logical reason in the world dictated he do the opposite. There's a deep debt between them that needs to be repaid, but beyond that is the burgeoning seed of respect, a like beginning to outweigh dislike that prompts him into trying to help, no matter how out of his element he is.
Even if that 'help' right now is aiming a knife directly at his heart and carving until every last drop of guilt and misery comes oozing out, like pus from an infected wound.
It's hard to hold his ground, the unfiltered agony feeding directly into his own worst insecurites and fears, but he grits his teeth all the same, channeling years of practice into keeping his emotions and tone stable. ]
If I....?
[ He can theorize all he wants, try and puzzle together the pieces he's painstakingly collected over the last half a year. But it won't mean anything if he doesn't hear it directly from Dokja. ]
no subject
... And he doesn't know if he can survive more than that.
It feels like the air's been pressed out of his lungs as his eyes sting and his throat burns. This isn't the sort of confrontation he wants to face, but he's worn down, made weak, and he feels his makeshift conviction collapse from within. ]
If you get hurt because of me, then I'll really be nothing more than a monster.
[ His voice comes out hoarse, small, afraid. Defeated. Dokja had tried... oh, how he had tried to maintain his distance when he'd first arrived to that world called Horos, convincing himself that he wouldn't grow close to anyone in fear of causing the usual destruction he leaves in his wake at every turn, but what had happened? Eventually, one person, then another, then even more than that had wiggled their way into a heart that had finally learned to love, and it had been so easy to turn his gaze away and tell himself it wasn't anything to grow concerned with.
But now, faced with the truth and reality of the situation, faced with one of the very few people he has left in this new world, the understanding that he could lose it all a second time because of him becomes too real. ]
no subject
It's a short answer, and not that much of a suprising one, but it manages to slap him across the face all the same, prompting a disbelieving exhale that manages to rise above the torrential maelstrom of misery threatening to suck them both in. ]
Are you always this self-centered?
[ Don't actually answer that. ]
If anything happens it'll be because of my own actions, not because of you. [ As it always has been and always will be. ] I chose this path for myself. If I get hurt, if I die again, [ because he won't discount that possibility especially with the way he is now, unharmonized and powerless ] it'll be no one's fault but my own.
[ Not Dokja's, not whichever person on the opposing side threatening harm, not even Yima or Cyrus or whatever greater power had brought him here to this place. (Though he certainly isn't feeling particularly kind-hearted towards either of them at the moment.) For someone who's always been straining at the leash and allowed freedom only at the whims of someone else, to be told yet again that his fate might lie in someone else's hands, even tangentially, stings.
There's a curl of bitterness that wraps around him, turning his voice quiet and sharp. ]
Don't take that away from the people around you. Don't invalidate their choices by making it all about you.
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