Because Dokja's sick of being treated kindly. Because he has to hear what he needs to hear, and the only person who can do that is some fucked up kid he's fed pieces of himself to. Gen who knows how to break his mind and Dokja who goes looking for it at every chance.
It's punishment.
And so there's a ripple of self-loathing that passes through their connection, and Dokja does nothing to stop it. He's barely a person, barely half of who he'd once been, and how can he explain that? How does he explain that every breath he draws feels like he's suffocating, and that he only manages to fall asleep once he's exhausted himself to the point of losing consciousness? That he wakes up to nightmares every single time? To tears pouring out of his eyes and ragged screams that he muffles behind his hands?
[ That emotional feedback he's getting from Dokja isn't entirely surprising given what he's just put himself through... twice, but a lack of surprise doesn't mean there's any clarity in any of this for Ernesto. That Dokja is deeply damaged and hates himself makes sense in a twisted way taking his actions into account, but what happened to make him that way?
That's well beyond Ernesto's understanding. He's never assumed to know much about his fellow Aions to begin with, but it's hitting him now just how little he really knows about Dokja. ]
[ No, he thinks to himself. No, it's not something that he wants back. It's Gen's burden to keep now, selfishly foisted upon the boy by a man who's deluded himself into projecting his image on the other.
It's not what a sane person would do, but Dokja had lost his sanity a long time ago. He's barely keeping it together now, memories of what it had meant to be whole the only thing he has to reference in order to pass himself off as a person. And even then, he's not doing the best job.
The subject changes abruptly. ]
I'm sorry. [ Again. ] I can make promises here but I imagine you won't believe them after what I've done.
[ The subject change tells Ernesto all he needs to know. Even if it is something that Dokja wanted to get back, it's not something he wants Ernesto to touch or mess with. Fine... Ernesto isn't expecting Dokja to let him in at this point, the walls are already clearly up, and Ernesto isn't such a hypocrite that he's unable to respect that.
But it doesn't make this situation less frustrating, because with only knowing a small fragment of the story, it's nearly impossible for him to know how to keep this from happening again.
He's not sure he can. It's hard to tell what keeps bringing Dokja back to this kid who is fucking him so so badly, but apparently something is... ]
No point wasting your breath on words you don't mean, right?
[ Maybe that's a little harsher than it should be, but it's true. At least there's no malice in Ernesto's tone as he says them, just a tired sort of resignation that he's not going to be able to stop this. ]
I'm not going to make you promise this either...
[ Because Dokja's promises mean very little to him at this point. ]
But if you can't stop yourself... if it has to happen again... just don't get civilians involved. If you hadn't stopped yourself back then, some of the people in that restaurant could have really gotten hurt, or worse.
[ Now there is his hypocrisy. A man that orchestrated bombs being set up along a city in an attempted terrorist coup.
But even then he'd convinced the people he was working with to only set them up in areas where people were unlikely to be, at times when those areas were going to theoretically be entirely vacated. Property damage can still be devastating, but even at his worst Ernesto has always been pretty mindful of the lives of the everyday people around him.
If he can't get Dokja to keep his own safety in mind, then he'd at least like him to consider those innocent lives. ]
[ With everything that he's done, he deserves the harsh response. He deserves more than that, really, so he quietly accepts what has to be said.
Even now, when he should be trying to make amends, his heart's just not fully in it. Yes, he feels awful. Yes, he fucked up. Yes, there are things he would have done differently if he could go back.
But he would go back.
It's hard not to be as apathetic and slightly resentful as he feels when he thinks back on the civilians who had witnessed the entire situation. They'd just been eyes on him, whispering mouths, pointing fingers, and he'd thought nothing but the worst of them at the time. Leave it to someone like Ernesto to care for complete strangers... Dokja doesn't have it in him to do the same.
He can, however, heed the request of someone he likes. ]
Alright.
[ For Ernesto's sake, then. That much he can do. ]
[ "Alright" probably doesn't mean much either, but it's an acknowledgement, and it's the best he's going to get. Part of him wants to pry, to keep bothering Dokja until he figures out what is going on inside this man's head that keeps driving him to do these foolish things.
But he's not sure it would get him far anyway.
Certainly not now when Dokja's already dealt himself enough injuries to lick for awhile.
So instead after several seconds of silence he sighs. ]
Not a bad idea. Lemme know if there's anything I can get you or do for you in the meantime.
[ Though even as he says that, the connection will end a moment after. He doesn't expect that Dokja is going to make any requests right now, but he hopes that he'll be smart enough to use his fellow Pleroma in the future for as long as the Kenoma are still roaming the city. ]
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no subject
Because Dokja's sick of being treated kindly. Because he has to hear what he needs to hear, and the only person who can do that is some fucked up kid he's fed pieces of himself to. Gen who knows how to break his mind and Dokja who goes looking for it at every chance.
It's punishment.
And so there's a ripple of self-loathing that passes through their connection, and Dokja does nothing to stop it. He's barely a person, barely half of who he'd once been, and how can he explain that? How does he explain that every breath he draws feels like he's suffocating, and that he only manages to fall asleep once he's exhausted himself to the point of losing consciousness? That he wakes up to nightmares every single time? To tears pouring out of his eyes and ragged screams that he muffles behind his hands?
He can't. ]
... He has something that belongs to me.
no subject
That's well beyond Ernesto's understanding. He's never assumed to know much about his fellow Aions to begin with, but it's hitting him now just how little he really knows about Dokja. ]
Something you need to get back...?
no subject
It's not what a sane person would do, but Dokja had lost his sanity a long time ago. He's barely keeping it together now, memories of what it had meant to be whole the only thing he has to reference in order to pass himself off as a person. And even then, he's not doing the best job.
The subject changes abruptly. ]
I'm sorry. [ Again. ] I can make promises here but I imagine you won't believe them after what I've done.
[ At least he's aware of that much. ]
no subject
But it doesn't make this situation less frustrating, because with only knowing a small fragment of the story, it's nearly impossible for him to know how to keep this from happening again.
He's not sure he can. It's hard to tell what keeps bringing Dokja back to this kid who is fucking him so so badly, but apparently something is... ]
No point wasting your breath on words you don't mean, right?
[ Maybe that's a little harsher than it should be, but it's true. At least there's no malice in Ernesto's tone as he says them, just a tired sort of resignation that he's not going to be able to stop this. ]
I'm not going to make you promise this either...
[ Because Dokja's promises mean very little to him at this point. ]
But if you can't stop yourself... if it has to happen again... just don't get civilians involved. If you hadn't stopped yourself back then, some of the people in that restaurant could have really gotten hurt, or worse.
[ Now there is his hypocrisy. A man that orchestrated bombs being set up along a city in an attempted terrorist coup.
But even then he'd convinced the people he was working with to only set them up in areas where people were unlikely to be, at times when those areas were going to theoretically be entirely vacated. Property damage can still be devastating, but even at his worst Ernesto has always been pretty mindful of the lives of the everyday people around him.
If he can't get Dokja to keep his own safety in mind, then he'd at least like him to consider those innocent lives. ]
no subject
Even now, when he should be trying to make amends, his heart's just not fully in it. Yes, he feels awful. Yes, he fucked up. Yes, there are things he would have done differently if he could go back.
But he would go back.
It's hard not to be as apathetic and slightly resentful as he feels when he thinks back on the civilians who had witnessed the entire situation. They'd just been eyes on him, whispering mouths, pointing fingers, and he'd thought nothing but the worst of them at the time. Leave it to someone like Ernesto to care for complete strangers... Dokja doesn't have it in him to do the same.
He can, however, heed the request of someone he likes. ]
Alright.
[ For Ernesto's sake, then. That much he can do. ]
I'm going to keep my head down for a while.
no subject
But he's not sure it would get him far anyway.
Certainly not now when Dokja's already dealt himself enough injuries to lick for awhile.
So instead after several seconds of silence he sighs. ]
Not a bad idea. Lemme know if there's anything I can get you or do for you in the meantime.
[ Though even as he says that, the connection will end a moment after. He doesn't expect that Dokja is going to make any requests right now, but he hopes that he'll be smart enough to use his fellow Pleroma in the future for as long as the Kenoma are still roaming the city. ]