Which admittedly is kind of a pain most days, especially when Eustace is so used to having his own personal space, but he supposes Dokja deserves to hover after he'd gone and gotten himself killed. Also, it does make it easy to track the man down whenever something does come up.
Luckily for Dokja, there is no distress to be found! Only the usual tiredness from dying and being reborn. ]
Why didn't you tell me you were angry before the Oracle?
[ So much had happened since then that it would be easy for Dokja to feign ignorance or make up an excuse that he can't remember his petty grievances from back then, but that would make him an extra hypocrite, wouldn't it? After all, that time he'd spent angry at Eustace had haunted him during that weeklong wait, and Dokja had never kicked himself so hard for acting so stupidly childish when his anger could have been their last moments together.
Even now, he can't hide the regret that darkens his expression, and Dokja gently sets his cup of water down on the kitchen counter. ]
... It was stupid.
[ He says quietly, gaze turned away in shame. No part of him is proud about the way he'd behaved. ]
[ Dokja, showing visible remorse over his actions? Truly the world has turned upside down.
Given everything that's happened though, it's not so much of a surprise. Had he not gone off and died, this would probably have turned out to be a very different conversation. But dying (even temporarily) really puts a lot of things into perspective. Something else that's been put into perspective? The importance of communication.
It would be easy enough to end the conversation here, let bygones be bygones, but he's tired of both of them keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves all the time. ]
Tell me anyway.
[ (This would be a lot more meaningful if he weren't forcing Dokja to open up first...) ]
[ Oh no. There's a lot of things Dokja dreads in life but frank conversations have to be up there in terms of being the quickest to make his heart plummet to his stomach. He's spent so much of his life avoiding or deflecting regular conversations, that something like this immediately has him wanting to tuck tail and run.
Instead, he's frozen to the spot, nervous energy coming off of him in waves. When he finally does look back up to meet Eustace's gaze, it's clear that he's uncomfortable. ]
You should be resting.
[ Not listening to Dokja talk about his ridiculous reason for being upset. But even his attempt at changing the subject doesn't have that much energy or effort to it, like he knows that Eustace is just going to stubbornly press on about this topic like he always does.
Which he would have said, once upon a time. Back when they were more ready to rile each other up for no reason and before too many losses had planted their feet too firmly in the ground. Now, Eustace finds he's too tired to muster up the energy to argue back.
There's brief awareness of how anxious Dokja looks, that subsequently translates itself into a quick compromise. ]
Then we can talk about it in bed.
[ He will tuck himself in bed and lie against the headboard, and in return Dokja can tell him all of the petty reasons he had to be mad as a reward for being a good patient. ]
[ If only things ever worked out that neatly between the two of them. They might have come a long way from initial butting of heads and breaking of wrists, but neither of them seem to have forgotten their roots. It's why Dokja looks less than pleased by the suggestion, and it's only after long, conflicted pause that he finally gives in. ]
Fine. If it'll get you back in bed.
[ It's a little more of a grumble than he means it to be. Grabbing his cup with one hand, he moves forward to gently take hold of Eustace's arm with his other hand, carefully leading the way back to their bedroom.
[ Despite recent renovations, it's still not that long of a walk from the kitchen back to the bedroom, though Eustace is keenly aware of Dokja's presence hovering by his side the entire time. As always, there's a smidgeon of guilt over the events that had led to Dokja's incessant worry, though he tries not to linger too much on it as he peels back the blanket, props up a pillow, and crawls back into bed
Once settled, he looks expectantly at Dokja. Your turn, bud. ]
[ Well, Dokja can't very well just leave now that Eustace has made it back into bed. That would be dishonest of him, and hadn't dishonesty brought them to this point in the first place? He hesitates by his side of the bed for a moment before setting down his cup on the nightstand, then crawling in beside Eustace.
He hates this. He is so uncomfortable right now, which he makes obvious by the way he twiddles his thumbs and looks anywhere but at Eustace. ]
[ Eustace waits patiently until Dokja's clambered into bed after him, then snakes an arm around behind his back so he can settle a hand lightly at the other man's hip. Not out of any desire to keep Dokja chained in place so he can't escape, but simply to try and chase away some of the nervousness quickly filling up the entire room. He doesn't want this conversation to spiral into an argument or another series of petty back-and-forths like they always do, but there's only so much he can control. ]
It came up while we were discussing something else.
[ An unfortunate side effect of everyone in the house being linked in one way or another to each other, and more generally just being around each other 24/7. Things leak out whether or not they're meant to. ]
You weren't exactly subtle about it though.
[ There's the smallest shift in his voice here, from serious to something almost amused. It would have been funny, had the circumstances not been so poor. And then the flicker of humor is gone again, ushering solemnity back in. ]
[ How does anyone just have normal conversations? How is Dokja supposed to... talk? No one's ever been interested in what he's had to say, and after having been alone for so long, no family or friends for the formative years of his life, he's really struggling on how to handle this situation.
Some of the tension manages to bleed out of his body when Eustace wraps an arm around him, and Dokja takes a deep breath before he speaks. ]
I didn't know how.
[ Plain and simple, but what he means to say is that he didn't know how to without starting an argument, and he really hadn't wanted to start a fight with Eustace. Maybe a part of him had been hoping that the anger would eventually fade on its own, which it kind of had in the worst of ways by turning into guilt instead. But since they're here, since this has been started... ]
... You didn't have to lie to me about it, you know.
[ It shouldn't be so difficult to have a straightforward conversation, and yet Eustace isn't sure he remembers the last time they've actually talked like this, without barbs or jabs or other petty insults mixed in between. In some ways they're too much alike, too aware of each other's buttons and weak points.
He grimaces at the validity of Dokja's words, a small sigh escaping his lips. ]
I know.
[ He'd known it then and he knows it now, though knowing amounts to nothing without the proper action taken. ]
I didn't know how to say it without worrying you, or without speaking for D.
[ But as it turns out, all his supposed consideration had done was hurt the people around him, the last thing he wanted to do. As far as excuses go, this is pretty fucking weak. No point in trying to hide behind it then, when there are better paths to take. Such as: ]
[ That's it? An acknowledgement of wrongdoing, an easily digestible explanation as to why things had happened the way they did, and then an apology?
It's so... easy. So simple. It leaves Dokja speechless for a length of time, a sudden ache in his heart at having needlessly complicated something that could have been dealt with as quickly as it had arrived. Where's the fighting? The shouting? Dokja still remembers the way his own parents had settled their arguments, along with the screaming and beatings that followed.
So for Eustace to respond in this manner comes as a mental blow. Dokja's not sure if he wants to lean into him in gratitude, or pull away in further guilt. He should have given Eustace more credit instead of acting like petulant child with zero communication skills, but that's who he is at his core, isn't it?
And yet, Eustace stays and listens. ]
Why are you so... [ patient, kind, understanding ] Ugh, forget it. It was stupid of me in the first place.
[ In the end, he settles for tucking himself against Eustace's side with a slight pout on his face. He really acted the part of the fool here, and now Dokja's seriously kicking himself for it. ]
[ Very generous of Dokja to think of Eustace as patient and kind when all he is is too tired to make this past incident a bigger deal than he needs to be. ]
We were both wrong.
[ Impressive that he's managed to admit to his own wrongdoing not once but twice, considering how often in the past he's stubbornly clung to his own superiority. Of course, he hadn't gone through the cycle of loss and death that he has recently. In comparison to all that, a petty argument like this one doesn't seem worth the energy or time to discuss.
Dokja leans against him and he leans against Dokja, arm tightening around the other man as he lets his eyes drift closed. ]
If something comes up in the future, I'll tell you first.
[ Even if it's going to feel awkward and uncomfortable.
But while they're at it, maybe they should keep this communication channel open a little longer. They've already gotten this far. ]
Is there anything else I should know?
[ If Dokja needs to vent about his shitty boyfriend, now is the time. ]
[ Cuddling together in bed... (my own voice) Cute...
It's hard to believe they'd ever not been this way with how comfortably Dokja slots himself in beside Eustace, head dropping to the side to lean against Eustace's shoulder. After months of the same routine, Dokja's grown more than accustomed to these affectionate acts in moments of privacy, and he fiddles with the hem of Eustace's shirt as he quietly nods.
As for whether or not there's anything else that needs to be said, Dokja can't immediately think of one off the top of his head that isn't just begging Eustace to never die again. But he does try and give it a great deal of thought, even if he continues to come to the same request over and over again.
Eustace's death is going to haunt him for a while, that much is obvious. ]
I don't know, [ he answers indecisively, his fingers stilling from their motions to hang on Eustace's shirt instead. ] I guess I wish I knew what you were thinking more.
[ A little funny coming from the guy who never talks about himself, but also somewhat understandable considering Dokja had once lived a life where he could (incorrectly) read everyone else. ]
[ Dokja really out here telling a stoic to be less of a stoic. Sorry, it's coded into his genes.
But, like Dokja, Eustace takes the time to really think about the request, eyelids fluttering back open as he stares at some blank spot on the wall across from him. He does think a lot, his mind constantly whirring as he considers this and that, but it's all cyclical in the end, the same thoughts cropping up over and over again. ]
I think about you a lot [ wow, gay ], and Gray. [ And more recently, D. ] I worry about what will happen the next time the Oracle comes. I'm not strong enough to protect anyone the way I am now.
[ Which is a bitter pill to swallow even if it is the truth. He needs to get stronger, but there's only so much a man can do with so much time given. There's another brief lull of silence before he speaks again, voice dipping low in contemplation.]
Sometimes I wonder if all of us would have been happier if we'd never been brought here.
[ Not that he isn't happy now, but it's an equal amount of pleasure and pain. There'll probably only be more pain the future too, as tensions continue escalating. ]
[ Leaned up against each other like this, Eustace is sure to feel the way Dokja tenses up at the voiced contemplation. It's not a surprising thing for anyone in their positions to wonder, but Dokja can't share in the sentiment. Eustace, Gray, D... They all probably have a life to return to.
But not Dokja. Had he stayed where he'd been before Horos, then Kenos, he would have disintegrated into pieces, scattered into the stars as nothing but a memory.
So he doesn't murmur an agreement, or really say anything in response. He falls into a conflicted silence that draws itself out for longer than necessary before he turns his face so that his forehead can press against Eustace's shoulder instead, seeking total darkness as he closes his eyes shut. ]
... I want you to be happier, [ he says softly. ] I don't want you to worry.
[ If only he could make all of Eustace's burdens his own. Dokja would be happy to do so, happy to do whatever he can to make it so that Eustace can have the peace he wants. His chest feels heavy with how inadequate he feels in this moment, exacerbated by Eustace's own helplessness as their emotions bounce off of each other. ]
[ you: i want them to be happy me: proceeds to make this thread as depressing as possible
But really, what else was going to happen after putting two depressed men in the same room, one with crippling self-esteem issues and a propensity to spiral, and the other one who thinks way too much and talks not nearly enough. It's really a miracle they've both made it as far as they have.
Still, a miracle doesn't feel like enough when everything feels so bleak, the echo of his last conversation with D once again presenting itself in his conversation now with Dokja. What was it he had said again, that he would be happy so long as Dokja was happy? But neither of them are happy now, and he doesn't know how to change that without changing the way he's lived for the past twenty years. (Or where they live, but finding a place in Kenos unaffected by the rising conflict is nigh impossible.) ]
You should worry about yourself more.
[ Dokja, who's died at least twice and who has suffered through a lifetime of misery.
Though, speaking of worry—he pulls away momentarily, free hand reaching towards the nightstand to pull open the drawer and grab something from inside. That something ends being two simple leather cord bracelets, one of which he holds out to Dokja. ]
[ Wouldn't it be nice if the two of them could just go away? So much of Dokja's life has been mired by conflicts he's had no choice but to participate in, and it feels like a never-ending story at this rate. He's made some of his dreams of a peaceful life a reality, this house and its occupants are proof of that, but as long as the Meridian and Zenith persist, it'll never be what he's looking for.
Even so, what he's made for them here is a beacon of light in an otherwise gloomy existence. Dokja tries very hard not to laugh in the most self-deprecating of ways when Eustace suggests he worry about himself, because when has Dokja ever done that?
His life has meaning as long as the people around him are safe and secure. He will always be his own last priority.
He's pulled out of his miserable thoughts when Eustace reaches for the nightstand, and Dokja opens his eyes to see what it is that's presented to him. His eyebrows scrunch up in confusion, and then he delicately takes the leather bracelet to turn it over in his hands. ]
[ as if dokja wouldn't immediately run for the hills if someone pulled out a ring on him
The distraction seems to work well enough in dispelling the worst of the heavy gloom suffocating the room, and Eustace feels a little lighter as he turns his focus to explaining the matching bracelets instead of thinking about the gloomy future ahead of them. No more depression, only happiness now. ]
They're [ couple bracelets ] tracking devices linked to each other. As long as we're on the same island, you'll know where I am. So you don't have to worry as much.
[ Maybe knowing where Eustace is at every hour of every day like some sort of unhinged stalker will make Dokja feel better instead of hovering nearby like some sort of weird helicopter parent. ]
You don't have to wear it though. [ His voice turns a little self-conscious. ] You can just keep it in a pocket.
[ He's bought the occasional gift before but never anything of this nature, and while he'd tried his best to pick something lowkey and unobtrusive (even if it should have been (my voice) a ring) maybe he'd still gone too far? How the hell does one navigate a relationship anyway. ]
[ Oh. It isn't lost on Dokja why Eustace would have procured such items, but a heavy mixture of emotions shoves all of that aside. Dokja still isn't used to being given gifts, and suddenly the bracelet in his hand feels like the most precious thing in the world. He can't tear his gaze away from the small cord of leather, and a burst of affection crossing through their Aspect link makes it abundantly clear how much he appreciates this gesture.
Too bad he doesn't know how to put it to words, and Dokja feels his throat clog up for the nth time over the past few weeks. Seriously, he feels stupid for how emotional he's been getting recently, but mentally, he's completely strung out.
This is a different kind of emotional, though. He's genuinely touched at the consideration put into this idea, and it's certain to have the intended effect of bringing Dokja some peace of mind during the moments they're apart. That alone significantly calms his nerves.
Gently, he wraps an arm around Eustace, hugging him closer against Dokja's side. ]
Thank you. [ He's never going to take this off. But it has to go on first. ] I want to wear it. Can you put it on for me?
[ It's reassuring to see Dokja look more alert now, and Eustace leans easily into the half-hug, his own emotions smoothing out in the wake of Dokja's own. He doesn't hesitate in undoing the clasp on the bracelet so he can loop around Dokja's (slender erotic) wrist and fasten the thing back on. It hangs a little bit, but the fit seems snug enough that it won't slide right off.
Of course, there are two bracelets, which means—
He holds out his own bracelet in much the same way Dokja had moments ago. ]
[ Once the bracelet is on Dokja's very normal and average wrist, he takes a second to quietly memorize the details. He'd never considered himself the kind of person to wear accessories, but for this, he'll make an exception.
Satisfied on his end, he takes the other bracelet and wraps it around Eustace's (sexy and solid) wrist. After securing the bracelet, Dokja runs a thumb over the leather, then settles against the steady pulse of Eustace's wrist, as if to reassure himself.
Dokja musters up a small smile as he leans his head back down on Eustace's shoulder, all the while admiring their matching bracelets. ]
You're a surprisingly thoughtful guy.
[ He says this like he hadn't always known it to be true. ]
[ He's always made it a habit not to wear anything on his hands or wrists past the protective gloves he dons for missions. Too much risk in case something gets snagged somewhere, or a loose thread gets caught in enemy hands. So it's weird now to see the leather cord hanging off his wrist, a complement to Dokja's own. Weird, but not in a bad way. There's a little bubble of something deep in his chest, bouncing between joy and possessiveness and devotion and relief.
But, like Dokja, he doesn't know how to put any of that into words. So he doesn't, and just continues along with the conversation at hand. One eyebrow raises, his voice turning dry. ]
Did you just realize that? You really don't notice anything, do you.
[ Kidding, kidding, he is just JOKING, please don't take it the wrong way. Just in case, he follows up the remark by sliding his fingers through Dokja's own before lifting up their joined hands to press a soft kiss against the other man's knuckles.
Sorry this isn't a back-of-the-hand kiss but beggars can't be choosers. ]
[ This is so fucking cute and domestic. Dokja is going to die.
But not in a bad way. Like before, all those months ago when they'd just started out, his face still flushes a bright red in embarrassment while the tips of his ears follow suit, but unlike before, he doesn't pull or shy away. The idea of Eustace caring so much about him sits weirdly in the pit of his stomach, and while Dokja is a slow work in progress, he can at least recognize and acknowledge Eustace's feelings instead of telling him that he's stupid and wrong.
... Even if a large part of him thinks that Eustace is stupid and wrong for caring so much about him. ]
I'd ask what it is you're thinking about, but I'm afraid of the answer.
[ Because this is getting way too vulnerable for him!! So rather than allow for an opening for even more Feelings, he does the sane thing and pulls his hand away to cup the side of Eustace's face and turn him to face Dokja.
And then he leans forward, closing his eyes to kiss Eustace. Kiss his lips and not his knuckles even if the knuckle kiss is killing me. ]
[ He's right about one thing: Eustace is in fact very stupid. But not about this.
It's fine though, they don't have to talk about their feelings. They've talked about plenty already for two guys that don't usually talk about their honest emotions at all, so there's nothing wrong with taking a break now and giving themselves some breathing room.
Or they can not breathe and just kiss instead, that's also fine.
There's no hesitation as Eustace leans into the kiss, his hand tightening around Dokja's hand to tug him a little closer. (Though they're plenty close already.) The bulk of his worries are gone now, relegated back to a box labeled For Later, and in their place is simple joy and happiness. He takes his time with the kiss, relishing the feeling of being in the company of someone he cares for, with no immediate obligations demanding his attention. After everything that's happened in the past few weeks, it's a much needed (and very welcome) break.
Alas they cannot kiss forever and eventually Eustace pulls away, though only far enough so that he can lean against the bedboard while they continue to sit pressed up against each other. ]
What are you thinking about then?
[ It could be something as basic as tonight's dinner plans and he would accept it as a satisfactory answer. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Which admittedly is kind of a pain most days, especially when Eustace is so used to having his own personal space, but he supposes Dokja deserves to hover after he'd gone and gotten himself killed. Also, it does make it easy to track the man down whenever something does come up.
Luckily for Dokja, there is no distress to be found! Only the usual tiredness from dying and being reborn. ]
Why didn't you tell me you were angry before the Oracle?
[ May as well cut straight to the chase. ]
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Even now, he can't hide the regret that darkens his expression, and Dokja gently sets his cup of water down on the kitchen counter. ]
... It was stupid.
[ He says quietly, gaze turned away in shame. No part of him is proud about the way he'd behaved. ]
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Given everything that's happened though, it's not so much of a surprise. Had he not gone off and died, this would probably have turned out to be a very different conversation. But dying (even temporarily) really puts a lot of things into perspective. Something else that's been put into perspective? The importance of communication.
It would be easy enough to end the conversation here, let bygones be bygones, but he's tired of both of them keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves all the time. ]
Tell me anyway.
[ (This would be a lot more meaningful if he weren't forcing Dokja to open up first...) ]
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Instead, he's frozen to the spot, nervous energy coming off of him in waves. When he finally does look back up to meet Eustace's gaze, it's clear that he's uncomfortable. ]
You should be resting.
[ Not listening to Dokja talk about his ridiculous reason for being upset. But even his attempt at changing the subject doesn't have that much energy or effort to it, like he knows that Eustace is just going to stubbornly press on about this topic like he always does.
But it's worth a shot? ]
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Which he would have said, once upon a time. Back when they were more ready to rile each other up for no reason and before too many losses had planted their feet too firmly in the ground. Now, Eustace finds he's too tired to muster up the energy to argue back.
There's brief awareness of how anxious Dokja looks, that subsequently translates itself into a quick compromise. ]
Then we can talk about it in bed.
[ He will tuck himself in bed and lie against the headboard, and in return Dokja can tell him all of the petty reasons he had to be mad as a reward for being a good patient. ]
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Fine. If it'll get you back in bed.
[ It's a little more of a grumble than he means it to be. Grabbing his cup with one hand, he moves forward to gently take hold of Eustace's arm with his other hand, carefully leading the way back to their bedroom.
There he is, the helicopter boyfriend. ]
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Once settled, he looks expectantly at Dokja. Your turn, bud. ]
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He hates this. He is so uncomfortable right now, which he makes obvious by the way he twiddles his thumbs and looks anywhere but at Eustace. ]
... You talked to D about it?
[ That's a good place as any to start. ]
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It came up while we were discussing something else.
[ An unfortunate side effect of everyone in the house being linked in one way or another to each other, and more generally just being around each other 24/7. Things leak out whether or not they're meant to. ]
You weren't exactly subtle about it though.
[ There's the smallest shift in his voice here, from serious to something almost amused. It would have been funny, had the circumstances not been so poor. And then the flicker of humor is gone again, ushering solemnity back in. ]
Why didn't you just tell me?
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Some of the tension manages to bleed out of his body when Eustace wraps an arm around him, and Dokja takes a deep breath before he speaks. ]
I didn't know how.
[ Plain and simple, but what he means to say is that he didn't know how to without starting an argument, and he really hadn't wanted to start a fight with Eustace. Maybe a part of him had been hoping that the anger would eventually fade on its own, which it kind of had in the worst of ways by turning into guilt instead. But since they're here, since this has been started... ]
... You didn't have to lie to me about it, you know.
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He grimaces at the validity of Dokja's words, a small sigh escaping his lips. ]
I know.
[ He'd known it then and he knows it now, though knowing amounts to nothing without the proper action taken. ]
I didn't know how to say it without worrying you, or without speaking for D.
[ But as it turns out, all his supposed consideration had done was hurt the people around him, the last thing he wanted to do. As far as excuses go, this is pretty fucking weak. No point in trying to hide behind it then, when there are better paths to take. Such as: ]
I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner.
cw: domestic abuse mention
It's so... easy. So simple. It leaves Dokja speechless for a length of time, a sudden ache in his heart at having needlessly complicated something that could have been dealt with as quickly as it had arrived. Where's the fighting? The shouting? Dokja still remembers the way his own parents had settled their arguments, along with the screaming and beatings that followed.
So for Eustace to respond in this manner comes as a mental blow. Dokja's not sure if he wants to lean into him in gratitude, or pull away in further guilt. He should have given Eustace more credit instead of acting like petulant child with zero communication skills, but that's who he is at his core, isn't it?
And yet, Eustace stays and listens. ]
Why are you so... [ patient, kind, understanding ] Ugh, forget it. It was stupid of me in the first place.
[ In the end, he settles for tucking himself against Eustace's side with a slight pout on his face. He really acted the part of the fool here, and now Dokja's seriously kicking himself for it. ]
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We were both wrong.
[ Impressive that he's managed to admit to his own wrongdoing not once but twice, considering how often in the past he's stubbornly clung to his own superiority. Of course, he hadn't gone through the cycle of loss and death that he has recently. In comparison to all that, a petty argument like this one doesn't seem worth the energy or time to discuss.
Dokja leans against him and he leans against Dokja, arm tightening around the other man as he lets his eyes drift closed. ]
If something comes up in the future, I'll tell you first.
[ Even if it's going to feel awkward and uncomfortable.
But while they're at it, maybe they should keep this communication channel open a little longer. They've already gotten this far. ]
Is there anything else I should know?
[ If Dokja needs to vent about his shitty boyfriend, now is the time. ]
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It's hard to believe they'd ever not been this way with how comfortably Dokja slots himself in beside Eustace, head dropping to the side to lean against Eustace's shoulder. After months of the same routine, Dokja's grown more than accustomed to these affectionate acts in moments of privacy, and he fiddles with the hem of Eustace's shirt as he quietly nods.
As for whether or not there's anything else that needs to be said, Dokja can't immediately think of one off the top of his head that isn't just begging Eustace to never die again. But he does try and give it a great deal of thought, even if he continues to come to the same request over and over again.
Eustace's death is going to haunt him for a while, that much is obvious. ]
I don't know, [ he answers indecisively, his fingers stilling from their motions to hang on Eustace's shirt instead. ] I guess I wish I knew what you were thinking more.
[ A little funny coming from the guy who never talks about himself, but also somewhat understandable considering Dokja had once lived a life where he could (incorrectly) read everyone else. ]
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But, like Dokja, Eustace takes the time to really think about the request, eyelids fluttering back open as he stares at some blank spot on the wall across from him. He does think a lot, his mind constantly whirring as he considers this and that, but it's all cyclical in the end, the same thoughts cropping up over and over again. ]
I think about you a lot [ wow, gay ], and Gray. [ And more recently, D. ] I worry about what will happen the next time the Oracle comes. I'm not strong enough to protect anyone the way I am now.
[ Which is a bitter pill to swallow even if it is the truth. He needs to get stronger, but there's only so much a man can do with so much time given. There's another brief lull of silence before he speaks again, voice dipping low in contemplation.]
Sometimes I wonder if all of us would have been happier if we'd never been brought here.
[ Not that he isn't happy now, but it's an equal amount of pleasure and pain. There'll probably only be more pain the future too, as tensions continue escalating. ]
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But not Dokja. Had he stayed where he'd been before Horos, then Kenos, he would have disintegrated into pieces, scattered into the stars as nothing but a memory.
So he doesn't murmur an agreement, or really say anything in response. He falls into a conflicted silence that draws itself out for longer than necessary before he turns his face so that his forehead can press against Eustace's shoulder instead, seeking total darkness as he closes his eyes shut. ]
... I want you to be happier, [ he says softly. ] I don't want you to worry.
[ If only he could make all of Eustace's burdens his own. Dokja would be happy to do so, happy to do whatever he can to make it so that Eustace can have the peace he wants. His chest feels heavy with how inadequate he feels in this moment, exacerbated by Eustace's own helplessness as their emotions bounce off of each other. ]
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me: proceeds to make this thread as depressing as possible
But really, what else was going to happen after putting two depressed men in the same room, one with crippling self-esteem issues and a propensity to spiral, and the other one who thinks way too much and talks not nearly enough. It's really a miracle they've both made it as far as they have.
Still, a miracle doesn't feel like enough when everything feels so bleak, the echo of his last conversation with D once again presenting itself in his conversation now with Dokja. What was it he had said again, that he would be happy so long as Dokja was happy? But neither of them are happy now, and he doesn't know how to change that without changing the way he's lived for the past twenty years. (Or where they live, but finding a place in Kenos unaffected by the rising conflict is nigh impossible.) ]
You should worry about yourself more.
[ Dokja, who's died at least twice and who has suffered through a lifetime of misery.
Though, speaking of worry—he pulls away momentarily, free hand reaching towards the nightstand to pull open the drawer and grab something from inside. That something ends being two simple leather cord bracelets, one of which he holds out to Dokja. ]
Here.
[ He will explain once Dokja takes it. ]
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Even so, what he's made for them here is a beacon of light in an otherwise gloomy existence. Dokja tries very hard not to laugh in the most self-deprecating of ways when Eustace suggests he worry about himself, because when has Dokja ever done that?
His life has meaning as long as the people around him are safe and secure. He will always be his own last priority.
He's pulled out of his miserable thoughts when Eustace reaches for the nightstand, and Dokja opens his eyes to see what it is that's presented to him. His eyebrows scrunch up in confusion, and then he delicately takes the leather bracelet to turn it over in his hands. ]
What's this?
[ (my voice) this isn't a ring ]
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The distraction seems to work well enough in dispelling the worst of the heavy gloom suffocating the room, and Eustace feels a little lighter as he turns his focus to explaining the matching bracelets instead of thinking about the gloomy future ahead of them. No more depression, only happiness now. ]
They're [ couple bracelets ] tracking devices linked to each other. As long as we're on the same island, you'll know where I am. So you don't have to worry as much.
[ Maybe knowing where Eustace is at every hour of every day like some sort of unhinged stalker will make Dokja feel better instead of hovering nearby like some sort of weird helicopter parent. ]
You don't have to wear it though. [ His voice turns a little self-conscious. ] You can just keep it in a pocket.
[ He's bought the occasional gift before but never anything of this nature, and while he'd tried his best to pick something lowkey and unobtrusive (even if it should have been (my voice) a ring) maybe he'd still gone too far? How the hell does one navigate a relationship anyway. ]
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Too bad he doesn't know how to put it to words, and Dokja feels his throat clog up for the nth time over the past few weeks. Seriously, he feels stupid for how emotional he's been getting recently, but mentally, he's completely strung out.
This is a different kind of emotional, though. He's genuinely touched at the consideration put into this idea, and it's certain to have the intended effect of bringing Dokja some peace of mind during the moments they're apart. That alone significantly calms his nerves.
Gently, he wraps an arm around Eustace, hugging him closer against Dokja's side. ]
Thank you. [ He's never going to take this off. But it has to go on first. ] I want to wear it. Can you put it on for me?
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Of course, there are two bracelets, which means—
He holds out his own bracelet in much the same way Dokja had moments ago. ]
Your turn.
[ This can be their fake wedding ring exchange. ]
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Satisfied on his end, he takes the other bracelet and wraps it around Eustace's (sexy and solid) wrist. After securing the bracelet, Dokja runs a thumb over the leather, then settles against the steady pulse of Eustace's wrist, as if to reassure himself.
Dokja musters up a small smile as he leans his head back down on Eustace's shoulder, all the while admiring their matching bracelets. ]
You're a surprisingly thoughtful guy.
[ He says this like he hadn't always known it to be true. ]
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But, like Dokja, he doesn't know how to put any of that into words. So he doesn't, and just continues along with the conversation at hand. One eyebrow raises, his voice turning dry. ]
Did you just realize that? You really don't notice anything, do you.
[ Kidding, kidding, he is just JOKING, please don't take it the wrong way. Just in case, he follows up the remark by sliding his fingers through Dokja's own before lifting up their joined hands to press a soft kiss against the other man's knuckles.
Sorry this isn't a back-of-the-hand kiss but beggars can't be choosers. ]
Like I said, I think about you a lot.
[ Dokja can interpret this however he wants. ]
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But not in a bad way. Like before, all those months ago when they'd just started out, his face still flushes a bright red in embarrassment while the tips of his ears follow suit, but unlike before, he doesn't pull or shy away. The idea of Eustace caring so much about him sits weirdly in the pit of his stomach, and while Dokja is a slow work in progress, he can at least recognize and acknowledge Eustace's feelings instead of telling him that he's stupid and wrong.
... Even if a large part of him thinks that Eustace is stupid and wrong for caring so much about him. ]
I'd ask what it is you're thinking about, but I'm afraid of the answer.
[ Because this is getting way too vulnerable for him!! So rather than allow for an opening for even more Feelings, he does the sane thing and pulls his hand away to cup the side of Eustace's face and turn him to face Dokja.
And then he leans forward, closing his eyes to kiss Eustace. Kiss his lips and not his knuckles even if the knuckle kiss is killing me. ]
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It's fine though, they don't have to talk about their feelings. They've talked about plenty already for two guys that don't usually talk about their honest emotions at all, so there's nothing wrong with taking a break now and giving themselves some breathing room.
Or they can not breathe and just kiss instead, that's also fine.
There's no hesitation as Eustace leans into the kiss, his hand tightening around Dokja's hand to tug him a little closer. (Though they're plenty close already.) The bulk of his worries are gone now, relegated back to a box labeled For Later, and in their place is simple joy and happiness. He takes his time with the kiss, relishing the feeling of being in the company of someone he cares for, with no immediate obligations demanding his attention. After everything that's happened in the past few weeks, it's a much needed (and very welcome) break.
Alas they cannot kiss forever and eventually Eustace pulls away, though only far enough so that he can lean against the bedboard while they continue to sit pressed up against each other. ]
What are you thinking about then?
[ It could be something as basic as tonight's dinner plans and he would accept it as a satisfactory answer. ]
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